Monday, January 30, 2012

A Letter to My Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My best friend Alicia recently had a beautiful baby girl, who, despite my pleading, was not named "Ouagadougou" or "Racecar," but rather "Eleanor."  I guess there's always next time.

I'd like to start teaching Baby E some important life lessons now, while she's too young to question anything I say.  I feel that these lessons will help her develop into the stoic, rational, and sensible person I myself have become...

A Letter to my Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My Dearest Eleanor,

There are a lot of life lessons I hope to impart in the coming years, but none as important as this: "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is real.

Be suspicious when a property management company tells you that a particular studio apartment is "basically like a 1-bedroom."  They're lying.  If you had a 1-bedroom, you'd be able to entertain guests comfortably without someone's shoes touching your pillow.

Making everything from scratch seems neat, but wouldn't you rather just buy a box of dry pasta from the store?

Any product that claims to be "0% of the fat, but 100% of the flavor" is complete crap.  Nothing without fat is as good as its fatty alternative.  Well, except for spray butter.  That stuff is awesome.

Never, ever go to grad school.  Just kidding.  Go to grad school, then question why you chose that particular field of study, then think longingly about all the other ways you could have spent $100,000, then go to law school.

Oral health is extremely important. But ignore the insurance company when they tell you that your plan doesn't include dental.  It does.  They just want you to spend an extra $11 per pay period on additional dental coverage that you'll never need -- unless you eat a lot of Laughy Taffy. Or Sour Patch Kids.  Oooo, or Jolly Ranchers.  Ok fine, buy the extra $11 worth of dental.

Some people just fundamentally do not know how to share a sidewalk, and no amount of glaring or exasperated sighing will change that.

Generic 'Diet Cola" is a busted double of Diet Coke.  And generic earbuds will fall apart after, like, 10 uses.  But generic Advil?  Every bit as good as real Advil.

When your birthday falls on a Saturday, it can feel like a lot of pressure.  So, embrace it by forcing everyone to go to that learn-to-line-dance class you've been wanting to try.

If the cable repair person arrives four hours late for your scheduled appointment, don't take your anger out on him/her.  Instead, call the cable company's 1-800 number and threaten to switch to their 'competitor' without naming who that particular 'competitor' is, even if there is no 'competitor' in your area.  Just sound confident and forceful, and demand a plan that is $20 less, before taxes.  It will never work, but you'll feel better knowing you tried.

Love Always,
Aunt Carrie

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ice Moms

Happy Friday!  With the weekend right around the corner, it's fun to think about all the exciting plans ahead.

As for me, I'll be spending the majority of my weekend thinking about the recent announcement of a new "Dance Moms" spinoff, "Ice Moms."  Somewhere out there, someone at the Lifetime Network corporate office loves me and wants me to be happy.

photo courtesy of the same site because, well, I'm lazy

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Words with Dentists

I went to the dentist today.  I drink a lot of Diet Coke.  You probably see where this is going...

dr: well, you've got about 5 'trouble zones' that are probably cavities
me: oh.  wow.  that sounds really bad.
dr: and, it looks like your current filings are getting pretty old.
me: ok?
dr: so, you need to come back in July, and we'll assess the situation.
me: [don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry]
dr: you know, the silver lining of all this is that, when we fill these new cavities, it will be time to re-fill all your old ones!  so we can do them all at once!
me: [fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh.  ugh, fine. cry.]

I'm a mess.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Side Effect Review

I was prescribed a new drug for some minor wrist pain I've been having.  And, because I'm neurotic diligent, I Googled its potential side effects.

Which include:  "vomit that looks like coffee grounds."

This made me think, maybe they should also list "secondary side effects" that occur due to a full internet search of the "real side effects."

Which, in this case, include: "crying."

Friday, January 20, 2012

Photo Hunt Friday

Numbers are fun!  I love thinking about all the ways in which we encounter numbers in our everyday lives.  For example, yesterday I was home with a cold and: watched 6 episodes of "Dance Moms," ate approximately 20 spoonfuls of "cookie butter," and left the apartment exactly 0 times.

It is in the spirit of numbers that I present today's Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?*

*Answer Key:  if anyone is in the greater DC metropolitan area this weekend, be sure to check out this awesome sale going on at Harris Teeter!  I mean, it's rare to find a wine that usually sells for $8.99, marked down to the low, low price of $9.99.

A big thanks to my friend Andrew, who alerted me to this deal.  He, himself, bought 2 bottles.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Weekend: A Dramatic Reenactment

I had a great long weekend, and I'm hoping you did too!  I thought about all the ways I could recap my weekend for you, including through song, crayon illustrations, and modern dance.  However, in the end, I decided there was no better medium than Toddlers & Tiaras.  Take it away, ladies...

On Friday night, a few friends wanted to go dancing.  Usually I reserve Friday nights for more exciting things like "watching TV on my couch" and "eating guacamole."  So my first reaction was:  No. Sorry, but no.

But then I reconsidered because, well, who doesn't like to dance??

On Saturday, I finally got out to the Udvar-Hazy National Air & Space museum.  I've been wanting to visit for a while -- they have actual space shuttles there!!  Actual! Space! Shuttles!

Sunday was super fun. I ate brunch with a couple friends at a new place.  It was French cuisine, but let's just be honest.  I've never turned down food of any variety.

On Sunday night, as I was mentally preparing to go to work the next morning, I remembered that Monday was a holiday!  So I said a little prayer of gratitude.

By Monday it was time to clean and organize my apartment, which I had been putting off all weekend.  Ugh, cleaning.

And, at the end of the day, even with all these fun times, I still felt like the weekend was too short.  And so I had myself a little adult tantrum.

gif credit goes to this site, and this one, and this one too.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Celebrity Face Twins

Happy Saturday!  I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday weekend.

As for me, I'll be taking some time off from blogging this weekend, while I sit in my apartment and quietly cry over this...

...the results of my "Who's Your Celebrity Face Twin?" survey.

Want to be saddened for yourself?  Try it here.  I dare you.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Breaking News

Today was a monumental day.

Today, reality looked me square in the face, and then punched.

Today, Facebook alerted me that my blog is considered spam.

I guess we all saw this coming.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Photo Hunt Thursday

Happy Thursday!  In honor of this, the fifth day of the second week of the 2012th year, I present a photo hunt from the news.  I know, I know.  I don't usually get so serious, but let's give this a shot...

Photo Hunt*

* Answer Key: I'm still scratching my head over how a news article about ethnic tensions in Washington, DC ends up with a photo of Banana Republic.

photo courtesy of

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

How to Get a Husband

I had a real breakthrough last night.  While watching the critically-acclaimed television documentary "The Bachelor" for the first time, I had an "Aha!" moment.  Specifically, this program has developed some real 'best practices' for the art, nay science, of getting a husband, which I fully intend to use in my own life...

How to Get a Husband

Step 1: Threaten Violence Against Other Ladies

Step 2: Use a Fictitious Job Title

Step 3: Wear Some Sort of Low-Cut Onesie

Step 4: Employ the Liberal Use of F-Bombs

Step 5: Drink Heavily (but Remember to Eat Nothing)

Step 6: Cry in an Interview Room

Step 7: Cry in a Luggage Room

Step 8:  Pass Out

*all photos courtesy of

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Words with Inanimate Objects

Today, I learned a lot of valuable lessons.  Like, there are places in this world where Burger King signs have religious overtones.  And, when in rural Florida, one must accept the fact that there is no such thing as a non-country-radio-station.

Perhaps most importantly, though, I learned that, given 17 hours of solitary car time, there's really no telling what I'll do...

Words with Inanimate Objects
GPS: continue on interstate 95 for 590 miles
me: ohmygod, 590 miles on the same road?!
GPS: [silence]
me: well, I guess I'll just try to limit my stops to get there faster.
GPS: [silence]
me: Ooo, there's a Dairy Queen Brazier at the next exit!!
GPS: [judgmental silence]

Monday, January 2, 2012

2012 Calendar of Existential Crises

Happy Day-After-New-Years-But-Still-A-Federal-Holiday!!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and is eagerly anticipating the year ahead.

In the event that you either 1) still need a desktop calendar for 2012; or 2) would like a preview of what the coming year has in store for yours truly, here's a piece I wrote a little while ago...

2012 Calendar of Existential Crises

I started this blog about five months ago on a whim.  I'm having a blast, and I hope you're enjoying the ride.  Here's to 12 more months of profound hilarious neurotic revelry.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

Our world is full of beautiful imagery, and this week reminded me that inspiration can truly be found in the most unlikely of places.  In that spirit, I present my very first photo essay, taken while visiting my parents in Florida.  I hope you enjoy these spectacular images, which I think you'll agree are near National Geographic caliber...

Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

1. Beautiful Home Decor

2. Elegant Patio Accessories

3. Dental Equipment

4. Sophisticated Ladies' Apparel

5. Handsome Gentlemen's Apparel

6. Specially-Designed Restrooms for 'Large Ladies'

7. My Dad, who can next be seen on the new A&E series, Flea Market Hoarders