Thursday, March 29, 2012

Diet Coke Substitutes

It's been exactly five weeks since I gave up Diet Coke, and I've learned all kinds of valuable lessons along the way.

For instance: did you know that not a damn person wants to take that 12 pack of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke that I have sitting in my kitchen off my hands?  And, did you know that EVERY PLACE EVER now has fountain soda???  Even places that NEVER EVER had fountain soda when I could drink fountain soda, which I know because it's my MOST FAVORITE THING??

But, I digress.  The most important lesson I've learned in all of this, is that there are several suitable substitutes for Diet Coke if you look close enough.  And, with that, I give you some of my own favorites...

   Diet Coke Substitutes
1. Tears

2. (Just kidding!  Alcohol!)

3. Tiny, busted packets of fruit-flavored powder

4. Seltzer, mixed with equal parts orange juice and bitterness

5. Judgment of those who drink Diet Coke

6. Contempt for those who drink Diet Coke in my presence

7. Aggression towards those who make me stop with them to "grab a quick Diet Coke"

8. Begging, pleading, bargaining

9. Ugh, fine. Water.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tuesday Shopping Cart

Is this real life?

Who, in their right mind, wants to make food based on a novel depicting children killing children in a famine-ravaged, post-Apocalyptic world?! *


* This lady.  That's who.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Recent [Text] Conversations with my Mom

My mom learned to text message about a year ago, and we're really taking things one day at a time...

Recent [Text] Conversations with my Mom

mom: Dads havingore acupuncture toorrow...He think, call u late, s it helped!  I'm not sure yet.. I'm in pool.

mom: I'm going to the outlet mall today, do you need anything?
me: Actually, I really need a pair of boots to wear to work.
mom: Ok, I'll look!  What size, etc?
me: size 10, black, flat.
[4 hours pass]
mom: I'm back!  I bought you Whitney Houston's Greatest hits double CD.  No boots.

mom [in a group photo text]: look at our new bedspread!
brother: where is that?
me: where is what?
brother: I don't know, Mom just sent me a picture of a flower print comforter.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Words with Friends

When she's right, she's right...

Words with Friends
me: Did you know the Hunger Games movie is 2 hours and 22 minutes??
M: Oh, wow!
me: I mean, I thought we could get drinks afterwards, but if the movie doesn't end until 9:30, I don't know.
M: Will we already be in Advil PM territory by then?


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Article of the Day

In the first of what I hope is a long series of articles comparing dog breeds to actors in British period pieces, I bring you this amazingness...

I couldn't agree more about Bates...

But Matthew?!?  Who are we kidding, everyone knows that Matthew is a yellow lab...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Job of the Day

Some days when I'm at work, all I can think about is how much I'd like some lion cub hugs...

Monday, March 19, 2012

St. Patrick's Day: A Dramatic Reenactment

I've heard from my many readers (ok, Sam) that I should do another dramatic weekend reenactment.  I thought St. Patrick's Day was the perfect opportunity.  And, with that, I give you: my Saturday, as told by Toddlers & Tiaras...

St. Patrick's Day: A Dramatic Reenactment

On Saturday morning, a few of my friends ran the National Rock n' Roll half marathon -- a feat that both impresses and terrifies me.  Nevertheless, I decided to go cheer them on!

Afterwards, a friend hosted a big brunch in honor of the runners.  "Food!!  So much food, ohmygosh, this is so exciting, I'll have one of everything!!" I exclaimed.  And, as I inhaled french toast casserole (yes, that's a thing), it occurred to me: maybe I should let the runners eat first.

I spent the afternoon seeing a play, because, well, I had a coupon.  It was a play about, ummm.  Existentialism?  Or Facebook?  Ok, I have no idea.

Later, we wandered around looking for a place to eat dinner.  But, since it was National Binge Drinking Day St. Patrick's Day, everything was completely packed.  AND WE WERE JUST SO FRUSTRATED.

But, by some miracle, we found a hole-in-the-wall bar, with an outdoor patio, that was empty.  And so we congratulated ourselves on such a wonderful discovery.

Later, someone suggested dancing. So I polished off my moves, because -- DANCING?!  I LOVE dancing!!

And, because I'm an honorary member of AARP, by midnight I was ready to go home.  Night, ya'll.

Source: mostly here, but also here and here.  Oh, and here.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Photo Hunt

Sometimes, after a long day at work, all I want to do is sit down with a cold beer, a box with a tiny child inside, and stare longingly into the distance.  AmIRight?

And, with that, I present today's Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: what?  I don't understand what's so funny, why are you laughing? You don't have a print of this in your home??

(A big thanks to my friend Jenny for alerting me to this mural, which is so normal it's almost mundane.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Stairs Tuesday

Look!!  I found something that I'm not neurotically panicked about at all!...

Free falling in an elevator!

Happy Tuesday, everyone.  Do me a favor and avoid any elevators that look a little loose, or un-structurally-sound, or make funny noises.  You know what?  Just take the stairs.  It's Stairs Tuesday!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Words with Dudes at Starbucks

I'm no stranger to conversations with inanimate objects.  But usually they're actually inanimate...

Words with Dudes at Starbucks
him: I'll have a tall blonde
me: ha!
him: [quizzical look]
me: It's kind of a funny drink, a 'tall blonde'?
him: [un-ironic silence]

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Moving to Mississippi

Do you ever have one of those days when you read a story, wish you lived inside that story, and then find yourself browsing real estate in Mississippi?

Today was one of those days...

How Four Women Revived A Derelict Mississippi Town

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Girl Scout Cookie Season

Girl Scout Cookie season is here!  Or as I like to call it, Eating Your Feelings season!

I'm sure we can all think of at least one Girl-Scout-Cookie-related-disaster that we'd probably rather forget.  If you're like me, it involves accidental consumption, in one sitting, of an entire sleeve/box/crate of the variety of your choice. Which is definitely Samoas, right?  Right.   Or, the Girl Scout Cookie ice cream.  Let's not even talk about that.

Luckily, this year I breezed right past the 'cookie catalog pre-sale' phase, and have found myself squarely in the middle of the 'immediate gratification, cookies in grocery store parking lots / strip malls' phase.  And, in all honesty, I'm just trying to take this one day at a time...

Girl Scout Cookie Season

Monday, March 5, 2012

Auto Fill

Naturally, yesterday I found myself needing to know the lyrics to that song, "Shake, Rattle, and Roll."

When I went to search those exact words, I was met with a wallop of a punch to my emotional gut.

I love you, Google auto-fill-search-feature.  But I don't have to like you right now.