Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

I'll admit that, when shopping for greeting cards, I usually breeze right past the sentimental ones, and move straight to the "humorous" section.  Because, honestly, who needs all those words?  And poems?  Like, real, serious, meaningful poems?  No, I'm looking for a 10 word maximum, along with either cartoon characters or sound clips.

It was with this means-tested methodology that I found myself browsing for a Father's Day card today.

Maybe I put more thought into the card selection process this year.  Or maybe I just had more time on my hands?  In any case, I started noticing some interesting trends.  And, with that, I give you my (very scientific) tally of this year's selection of Father's Day cards...

Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

5 cards about farting

3 cards about grilling

4 cards with either Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, or (the holy grail) -- both

6 cards referencing napping

2 cards about Dads making cereal for dinner

8 cards about golfing

4 cards about beer, including one with a 3-dimensional beer stein

3 cards with pictures of donkeys making 'ass' jokes

Deal of the Day

I had NO IDEA that traditional Czech food included french fries, fried shrimp, and mozzarella sticks...

Prague vacay anyone??

Deal of the Day

Summer Reading List

Computer-generated 'personal recommendations' might be my most favorite thing.  Like when Netflix uses my recent searches to suggest other movies I might like?  Or that time my DVR ghost-recorded a movie based on my assumed interests?

It was, therefore, with great excitement that I recently received an email from Amazon with the subject line, "Top Summer Reading Picks for Carrie."

And, I'll admit, I was right there with them all the way through "Psychological Thrillers."  But then we got to "Grilling," and things seemed to go off the rails...

My main conclusion is: evidently, I will never, ever be able to remove myself from the list of individuals who bought the entire Twilight series on the internet.

The 'Sectional Sofa' Phase

Over the weekend I went on a bit of a furniture bender.  My parents have owned this green, leather, GREEN couch since roughly the Reagan Administration, and it mysteriously ended up living in my apartment.  For a while now, I've suspected that the green monster needed to go.

So, I started casually browsing furniture online.

I don't really know how it happened -- the details are still a little fuzzy.  But somehow I ended up purchasing a sectional sofa.  Which kind of makes me feels like I've started a new phase of my life.  The "Sectional Sofa" Phase...

Happy Monday everyone!  Did you do anything fun over the weekend?  Like buy a microfiber sectional sofa from a wholesale discount store, perhaps?

Choose Your Own (Weekend) Adventure

This weekend reminded me of those Choose Your Own Adventure books -- remember those?  Like the Mario Brothers one that was like playing a video game, but was actually a book that you read, so your parents bought it in order to pry you away from the 'Sega Game Gear' that you became weirdly addicted to??

No?  I mean, me neither.

In any event, this weekend I had several moments where things could have gone one of two ways...

Choose Your Own (Weekend) Adventure
You invite some friends to an aquatic garden, thinking that spring should be the perfect time to visit, but when you get there it looks like THIS.  What do you do?...

1.  Laugh it off, try to make the most of it, and walk around anyway.

2.  Go to Costco Wholesale Club

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Answer: #2!
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You get to Costco and realize that nothing in this store will ever fit into your 500 square foot studio apartment, nor do you need 150 of any particular product. What do you do?...

1. Adopt a reasonable attitude: buy nothing, except if you see something you really, really need.

2. BUY EVERYTHING.  Ohmygosh, this is so exciting -- you didn't even know they SOLD bar soap in 24-packs!  And it doesn't even MATTER that you could, literally, cover every surface in your apartment with a family-size-pack of paper towels -- they're, like, 75 cents per roll when you buy them in multiples of 20!

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Answer: #2!
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Finally, you arrive back home, survey your car trunk, and debate how to get 40 rolls of paper towels, 24 bars of soap, 4 pounds of powdered sugar, and a case of fruit snacks up five flights of stairs and into your apartment. What do you do?...

1. Make several trips.  You're the one who decided you needed to shop for a family of 12, now you must figure out a way to carry everything inside.

2. Awe screw it.  These will be your "car fruit snacks"

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Answer: #2!
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Hope you all had a fantastic weekend.  Anyone wanna come over and eat fruit snacks with me in my parking lot?


(image sources here and here)

Tuesday Shopping Cart

Is this real life?

Who, in their right mind, wants to make food based on a novel depicting children killing children in a famine-ravaged, post-Apocalyptic world?! *

Source

* This lady.  That's who.

Recent [Text] Conversations with my Mom

My mom learned to text message about a year ago, and we're really taking things one day at a time...

Recent [Text] Conversations with my Mom

EXHIBIT A
mom: Dads havingore acupuncture toorrow...He think, call u late, s it helped!  I'm not sure yet.. I'm in pool.

EXHIBIT B
mom: I'm going to the outlet mall today, do you need anything?
me: Actually, I really need a pair of boots to wear to work.
mom: Ok, I'll look!  What size, etc?
me: size 10, black, flat.
[4 hours pass]
mom: I'm back!  I bought you Whitney Houston's Greatest hits double CD.  No boots.

EXHIBIT C
mom [in a group photo text]: look at our new bedspread!
brother: where is that?
me: where is what?
brother: I don't know, Mom just sent me a picture of a flower print comforter.

Photo Hunt Friday

Having a car has really allowed me to explore my city in new and thrilling ways. To look for exciting adventures beyond the public-transportation-friendly locales.  For example, just last weekend I was able to visit that new, suburban Safeway I'd been wanting to try!

In the spirit of adventure, I present a grocery-store-themed Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: "Honey, what's for breakfast?"  "Oh, let's see -- we have beer, and beer."

Photo Hunt Friday

Numbers are fun!  I love thinking about all the ways in which we encounter numbers in our everyday lives.  For example, yesterday I was home with a cold and: watched 6 episodes of "Dance Moms," ate approximately 20 spoonfuls of "cookie butter," and left the apartment exactly 0 times.

It is in the spirit of numbers that I present today's Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?*

*Answer Key:  if anyone is in the greater DC metropolitan area this weekend, be sure to check out this awesome sale going on at Harris Teeter!  I mean, it's rare to find a wine that usually sells for $8.99, marked down to the low, low price of $9.99.

A big thanks to my friend Andrew, who alerted me to this deal.  He, himself, bought 2 bottles.

Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

Our world is full of beautiful imagery, and this week reminded me that inspiration can truly be found in the most unlikely of places.  In that spirit, I present my very first photo essay, taken while visiting my parents in Florida.  I hope you enjoy these spectacular images, which I think you'll agree are near National Geographic caliber...

Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

1. Beautiful Home Decor

2. Elegant Patio Accessories

3. Dental Equipment

4. Sophisticated Ladies' Apparel

5. Handsome Gentlemen's Apparel

6. Specially-Designed Restrooms for 'Large Ladies'

7. My Dad, who can next be seen on the new A&E series, Flea Market Hoarders

Public Service Announcement

Today I went to the grocery store.  I bought bananas, lettuce, eggs, and a silent killer.  Well, at least according to the very vocal lady in line behind me...


Lady: those poinsettias in your basket -- you need to be careful, they're poison!
me: um?
Lady: don't let children or dogs near them, they might eat the leaves and die!  They're poison!
me: I don't have children or dogs, but thank you, that's extremely helpful information.
Lady: well, don't you eat them either!  Or put them next to food! They're poison!
me: [blank stare]
The End.

Recap:
Guys, I know it's the holiday season, and with it comes the temptation to feed poinsettia leaves to babies, house pets, and yourself.  But please, for the sake of the elderly lady at Safeway, don't do it.

Merry Christmas!

Photo Hunt Wednesday

I recently purchased a space heater online, because both my office and my core body temperature seem to run cold.  However, there's something strange about this particular space heater...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: This is not a space heater, Carrie.  This is a fan.  Which will not solve your problem of being too cold.  In fact, it will make that problem much, much worse.  But don't let that prevent you from opening the box, throwing away the receipt, plugging the fan in, turning it on, and letting it run for a few minutes, because "maybe it needs to warm up?" Then elicit laughter from nearby office-mates when you use curse words they've never heard you use before.