Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

I'll admit that, when shopping for greeting cards, I usually breeze right past the sentimental ones, and move straight to the "humorous" section.  Because, honestly, who needs all those words?  And poems?  Like, real, serious, meaningful poems?  No, I'm looking for a 10 word maximum, along with either cartoon characters or sound clips.

It was with this means-tested methodology that I found myself browsing for a Father's Day card today.

Maybe I put more thought into the card selection process this year.  Or maybe I just had more time on my hands?  In any case, I started noticing some interesting trends.  And, with that, I give you my (very scientific) tally of this year's selection of Father's Day cards...

Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

5 cards about farting

3 cards about grilling

4 cards with either Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, or (the holy grail) -- both

6 cards referencing napping

2 cards about Dads making cereal for dinner

8 cards about golfing

4 cards about beer, including one with a 3-dimensional beer stein

3 cards with pictures of donkeys making 'ass' jokes

May Day

Please.  Please tell me that you've heard about May Day...

source

The one where you put a bunch of popcorn and candy into paper cups, punch holes in the sides, string pipe cleaners through them to make handles, drive around to your friends' houses, put the 'baskets' on their door knobs, ring the door bells, and run away?!?

It's like a 'ding dong ditch,' Midwestern-style  -- polite, and includes jelly beans.

Happy May Day!

Happy Easter!

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one terrified by adults in animal costumes...

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter, free of upsettingly large bunnies.

Birthday Highs and Lows

Saturday I turned another year older, wiser, and more sensible.  Right?  Right.  Overall, the day was a success and I feel very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends.  But what would an event involving yours truly be without some over-analysis and moments of desperation?  With that, I present, a few selected birthday highs and lows...

Birthday Highs and Lows


High: The 12 Cookie Monster cupcakes my friend J brought over to my apartment!
Low: Eating 12 Cookie Monster cupcakes in my apartment.


High: Knowing that I'll never join the 27-club!
Low: "Carrie. You're not famous. Why do you care about the 27-club?"



High: My birthday fell on a Saturday this year!
Low: My birthday fell on the day Whitney Houston died this year.


High: New experiences, like the Korean spa I decided to try out!
Low: Learning what makes Korean spas unique.  For example, the "no swimsuits allowed in the pool" rule.


High: The dozen cupcakes that my friend A brought to my birthday happy hour!
Low: Realizing, halfway through devouring a cupcake that, not only was I eating alone, but Adele's "Someone Like You" was playing ominously overhead.

My Weekend: A Dramatic Reenactment

I had a great long weekend, and I'm hoping you did too!  I thought about all the ways I could recap my weekend for you, including through song, crayon illustrations, and modern dance.  However, in the end, I decided there was no better medium than Toddlers & Tiaras.  Take it away, ladies...


On Friday night, a few friends wanted to go dancing.  Usually I reserve Friday nights for more exciting things like "watching TV on my couch" and "eating guacamole."  So my first reaction was:  No. Sorry, but no.

But then I reconsidered because, well, who doesn't like to dance??

On Saturday, I finally got out to the Udvar-Hazy National Air & Space museum.  I've been wanting to visit for a while -- they have actual space shuttles there!!  Actual! Space! Shuttles!

Sunday was super fun. I ate brunch with a couple friends at a new place.  It was French cuisine, but let's just be honest.  I've never turned down food of any variety.

On Sunday night, as I was mentally preparing to go to work the next morning, I remembered that Monday was a holiday!  So I said a little prayer of gratitude.

By Monday it was time to clean and organize my apartment, which I had been putting off all weekend.  Ugh, cleaning.

And, at the end of the day, even with all these fun times, I still felt like the weekend was too short.  And so I had myself a little adult tantrum.

gif credit goes to this site, and this one, and this one too.

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

Fresh on the heels of all those holiday parties you attended, and before committing yourself to those realistic resolutions, I thought it was important to start mentally, emotionally, and physically preparing everyone for what could be the best night of your lives.  Yes, New Year's Eve is here again!!

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

1. Pin Your Hopes and Dreams on the Evening
First off, and this is crucial: whatever you do for New Year's Eve, remember to place a disproportionately large amount of importance on the night.  After all, the opportunity to ring in the new year comes only, well, once a year!  This is the changing of the numerical year -- don't you realize how monumental this occasion is?!  Tomorrow you will have to write "2012" instead of "2011"!!  Therefore, tonight should be 'epic' and anything short of the best night ever should be considered a sheer and utter disappointment.

2. Weigh Your Many Options for How to Spend $300
Before you can have the best night ever, you need to decide how you'll be spending it.  Specifically: do you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money at that fancy bar downtown, or pay an exorbitant amount of money at that new kitschy bar up the street?  If this decision proves difficult, consider which bar name you'd rather stare/cry at for the entirety of next month, after your credit card statement arrives with a new, $300 charge.

3. Briefly Consider "Saving Money" by "Staying In"
You know what?  Let's stay in.  We can make dinner, buy some nice beer, and watch Dick Clark literally grow older before our very eyes.  That will be so much more fun than going out and dealing with hoards of drunken partygoers in the streets.  Yeah, we're definitely staying in -- this was the best decision we've ever made!

4. Find Yourself at Some Dude's House Party
Ok, fine, we'll go out.  After all, tonight will be so much fun, and everyone will be dressed up!  We're definitely going out.  But instead of spending tons of money at some crowded bar, let's go to that house party that our friend's friend's sister's boyfriend is hosting!

5. Regret Every Decision Made Thus Far
After mentally reviewing the chain of events that has led you to some dude's house party, think longingly about all the things you'd rather be doing instead of this.  Which includes anything else.  For instance: that file cabinet you keep shoving pieces of paper into, for your 'records'? You could be organizing that right now! Or those archived episodes of 'Teen Mom 2' that are taking up precious space on your DVR?  Well, those aren't going to watch themselves!  But instead, you're in an under-lit living room of some random row house, holding a busted bottle of Trader Joe's wine, watching people you've never met rhythmically gyrate to a Rihanna medley. Momentarily commend yourself for even recognizing that these are Rihanna songs, considering you haven't been able to name a single 'top 40' song for several years now.

6. Develop an Exit Strategy
After locating the door and telling your friends you're getting sick and need to leave, feel relieved that you have successfully found a way out of this situation. Until it occurs to you that there is absolutely no public transportation nearby, tonight is undoubtedly the busiest night for taxis, and you're way too far away from your apartment to walk home. Exit the house nevertheless, aimlessly wandering in the direction that seems most correct.

7. Fall Asleep at 11:00pm
After miraculously locating a cab and getting home, crawl into bed somehow feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, despite being stone-cold-sober and your clock reading only 11:00pm.  When you're awoken from a dead sleep at 12:02am by your ringing phone, answer it only to hear your mother yell "Happy New Year!" amidst a background of music and horn blowing, because your parents "went out to a bunch of parties with a bunch of friends!" Hang up, roll over, and silently congratulate yourself on another 'epic' New Year's Eve.
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Photo Hunt - Christmas Edition

Merry Christmas to Everyone!!  In honor of this special day, I present a holiday-themed Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: nothing.  In fact, everything in this picture is exactly as it should be.  Receiving 12 Bed Bath & Beyond coupons for Christmas is so, so right.  They never expire!  And there was even one "20% off your entire purchase" coupon tucked in there -- it was a Christmas miracle!  And, the fact that my family knew this was the perfect gift for me?  That's just further proof that I will never have a boyfriend ever they know me too well.

How to Attend a Holiday Party

Holiday parties have been in full swing for a couple weeks now, so I thought it was time I shared a few useful lessons that I've learned, to help make party-going a bit smoother.

It's taken me quite a while to develop what I consider to be "best practices."  But I think I've finally reached the point where I achieve each of these steps, in order, at every single holiday party I attend.  Not only do I consider this a feat of incredible merit, it should also be reason enough to invite me to your next gathering...

How to Attend a Holiday Party

1. Do Not RSVP
You are much too busy watching TLC reality television and taking Advil PM every night to bother with things like "letting friends know you can make it" to their holiday party.  It's not like having a head-count is crucial for food/drink preparation or space considerations.  No, you should let your presence be a surprise!  When you ring the apartment buzzer, you really want to hear a mixture of confusion and disdain when the host greets you with an "Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I guess. Umm. Come on up?"


2. Dress Inappropriately
The next step has taken me years to perfect, so really take your time with this one.  Specifically, over-analyze all possible outfit options, decide you have nothing to wear, go to Target to buy something new, bring it home, realize it doesn't fit because you didn't try it on at the store, and then cry.  Next, try to think about what this party's dress code was last year, maybe that will help!  You definitely remember it being more on the casual side, so throw on jeans, and congratulate yourself on locating within your closet a cute, seasonally appropriate top.  When you arrive at the party to find what appears to be a scene out of the board-game "Clue," realize that you didn't go to this party last year.  Because, if you had, you'd probably remember the ball gowns.  Ohmygod, is that guy wearing an ascot??


3. Attend "Solo" Because You Don't Have a "Boyfriend"
See: every blog post I've ever written.


4. Anger the Neighbors
This one should be relatively easy -- because, who are you kidding.  You didn't bother reading the entire 'Evite' to get the exact address, so of course you're going to knock on the wrong door.


5. Arrive Empty-Handed
That long, Saturday evening nap you took was timed exactly right -- you woke up 10 minutes after both the liquor store and Target had closed.  So, go ahead and forget about bringing a host(ess) gift or the traditional bottle of wine.  Instead, rummage through your cabinets for that canvass-wine-holder you bought for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, fill it with 6 bottles of miscellaneous, "Lite" beers, and meekly smile when everyone looks disparagingly at your contribution to the party.  It also helps if, when the host points you in the direction of the kitchen for a bottle opener, you laugh and pull out that key-chain-bottle-opener you always carry, exclaiming, "no need -- I brought my own!"


6. Talk to No One
Mutter to no one in particular: "how are there so many people here?!"  Next, do a quick mental calculation of how many people would be at your hypothetical holiday party, were you to invite absolutely everyone you knew, and absolutely everyone showed up. When it adds up to roughly 1/10 of the people in this room, feel self-conscious. Then immediately proceed to Step #7.


7. Eat All the Cookies
Hey, no one was eating anything anyway!  I mean, look at some of these people, they're like, H&M-model-skinny.  No, this food is meant for you, and you alone.  So, fill up on an assortment of cookies, until the reinforced paper plate literally bends under the added weight.  Don't bother with a napkin -- you want to be forced to use your shirt sleeve to wipe away the powdered sugar that is somehow all over everything, even though powdered sugar wasn't an ingredient in anything you ate.  When, at some point in the evening, someone makes a loud, passive aggressive comment about how all the cookies are gone, innocently join the rest of the guests as they survey the room looking for the 'culprit.'


8. Leave Early
After completing steps 1-7, leave the party -- ideally around 10pm, since you have a busy day of sleeping-in tomorrow.  You want to be nice and rested for your Sunday-Thai-take-out-for-dinner plans!  But, first, on your walk back to the bus stop, think about how much you enjoy this time of year.  The dressing up, the meeting new people, the seasonal treats.  Be silently confident in your ability to 'kill it' at every party you attend, and excitedly anticipate the many more invites you'll no doubt receive this time next year.

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

As 2011 comes to a close, I thought it was appropriate to start putting together some New Year's resolutions for the coming year.  Now, I try not to go to crazy with resolutions, particularly outlandish, far-fetched ones like "eat more vegetables," or "exercise every once in a while."  No, I've learned my lesson with such lofty goals -- I'm done setting myself up for failure.

Instead, this year I'm taking a different approach.  This year, I'm choosing to aim for realistic, achievable goals that will boost both my confidence and self-esteem.  So, in that spirit, I present my Realistic New Year's Resolutions for 2012...

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

1. Read More Celebrity Gossip Blogs
That stack of 'periodicals' currently piling up under my coffee table isn't getting any smaller.  Because, let's just be honest -- I subscribed to The Economist mostly thinking it would help me attract a smart boyfriend on the subway.  But those days are over -- I am a young, independent woman who can choose whatever reading material she wants!  Therefore, I resolve to read more celebrity gossip, specifically from heralded beacons of journalism like Suri's Burn Book and Oh No They Didn't.

2. Cut Down on Nutrients
That "salad for lunch" thing seemed like such a good idea, until I institutionalized that "total crap for dinner" thing.  So, instead, this year I will strive for more consistency in my eating habits -- specifically, by cutting down the key nutrients in every meal.  After all, science* told me that your body really isn't built to handle all the "vitamins" you consume.  Plus, just in terms of the cost-benefit analysis, nutritional foods are so much more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts.  Ergo, eating fewer nutrients will actually save me money in the long run.  This resolution is so obvious is almost wrote itself!

3. Spend More Money at Target 
You know how the entrance to every single Target forces you to walk through several aisles of cheap, useless crap?  Like sparkly-Chinese-takeout-inspired gift boxes?  Or seasonal socks?  Well, I think I've been approaching this all wrong.  You see, I typically bypass these aisles in favor of the more popular "food" or "medicine" sections.  However, I now see the error of my ways.  Specifically, I recently discovered that these aisles often contain necessary staples, like frosted animal crackers and puffy-glitter-stickers.  So, this year I plan to make up for lost time, by resolving to buy at least five items from the cheap-crap-aisle on every visit to Target.  I think we can all agree that this can only end well.

* and, by "science" I mean the CBS sitcom "The Big Bang Theory"

Thanksgiving Recipes for the Modern, Single Lady

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving is almost here!  It seems like just yesterday I was taking long summer walks on the beach, strolling hand-in-hand with my ruggedly handsome boyfriend, watching our graceful golden retrievers playfully splash around in the water, snuggling up to each other as we watched the sun set over southern California.  Oh wait, that was the Nicholas Sparks Miley Cyrus movie "The Last Song" I just watched on Netflix instant.

In any event, Thanksgiving is a time to stop and reflect upon what we're thankful for, and look excitedly toward the rest of the holiday season.  Of course, Thanksgiving is also a time for delicious food, typically of the traditional holiday variety.  However, as a young, single lady in the big city, it's been important for me to develop my own sense of tradition.  And so, this year I have decided to spice things up a bit, incorporating both classic and modern flavors into my Thanksgiving menu.

With that, I give you a few recipes that might help make your holiday a little more special.  It is my sincere hope that at least one of these "modern, single lady" dishes finds a place on your own Thanksgiving spread...

Thanksgiving Recipes for the Modern, Single Lady


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Skillet Cornbread
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
Stale, Store-Bought French Bread
Recipe:
Tell everyone that you'll take care of the bread for "Friendsgiving," because you read on Paula Dean's website that the easiest part of a meal to make is bread, and there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that you're going to be the sucker who gets stuck making green bean casserole.  Then realize that, by making Paula Dean's "sweet potato biscuits," you're basically turning mashed potatoes into bread, which is going to require you to finally buy an electric mixer.  When you get to Target, peruse the grocery section for nothing in particular, until it dawns on you that you could just buy bread and arrange it on a platter to look like you made it.  Leave Target without an electric mixer, but with a loaf of stale French bread, because that was the only thing they had that didn't expire yesterday.  When you get home, open a bottle of red wine and put your feet up - you deserve it, what with all the physical and emotional energy you've put into making the bread.


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Spiced, Mulled Apple Cider
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
Straight Vodka
Recipe:

While you would really love to make spiced, mulled apple cider, who are you kidding.  You don't own a crock pot, and there's really no way you're going to muster enough energy to 'boil' anything.  So, instead, tell your friends to each bring over some juice or tonic, and you'll provide the alcohol.  Which basically means that you'll set your half-full bottles of Smirnoff and London Dry on the counter, with some Hanukkah-themed paper cups from last year's 75%-off holiday-clearance-section.  On your way home from work, don't forget to stop by the 'Supermercado,' since you can't be bothered to walk a whole two blocks out of your way to go to Safeway.  Choose items in the snack aisle that have pictures closest resembling potato chips, only to realize, after you get home, that you just bought four bags of dried, baked plantains.


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Pumpkin Pie
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
1/2 Tupperware of Puppy Chow
Recipe:
Announce to your co-workers that tomorrow you're going to bring in Puppy Chow, to celebrate Thanksgiving and the shortened work week!  When they look at you quizzically, explain that 'Puppy Chow' is just another name for 'Muddy Buddies'!  When they continue to stare at you with what can only be described as confused pity, sigh and exasperatedly mutter "the recipe is on the side of the Chex box, come on!"  When no one seems particularly excited or enthusiastic, be silently confident that you'll "show them."  After you finish making a triple batch of Puppy Chow, think about what a mistake it was to skip lunch today, since you really don't have anything in your fridge or pantry.  Take out a tiny, dainty glass bowl and fill it with a few pieces of Puppy Chow to eat while you watch TV and think about what you could make for dinner.  At 10:00pm, realize that you have eaten, straight from the Tupperware, almost an entire Chex-box-worth of Puppy Chow.  When you take that same half-eaten Tupperware into work, become enraged when your co-workers look into the container and say, "You made Monkey Munch!  I used to love that stuff as a kid!"