Thursday, December 29, 2011

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

Fresh on the heels of all those holiday parties you attended, and before committing yourself to those realistic resolutions, I thought it was important to start mentally, emotionally, and physically preparing everyone for what could be the best night of your lives.  Yes, New Year's Eve is here again!!

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

1. Pin Your Hopes and Dreams on the Evening
First off, and this is crucial: whatever you do for New Year's Eve, remember to place a disproportionately large amount of importance on the night.  After all, the opportunity to ring in the new year comes only, well, once a year!  This is the changing of the numerical year -- don't you realize how monumental this occasion is?!  Tomorrow you will have to write "2012" instead of "2011"!!  Therefore, tonight should be 'epic' and anything short of the best night ever should be considered a sheer and utter disappointment.

2. Weigh Your Many Options for How to Spend $300
Before you can have the best night ever, you need to decide how you'll be spending it.  Specifically: do you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money at that fancy bar downtown, or pay an exorbitant amount of money at that new kitschy bar up the street?  If this decision proves difficult, consider which bar name you'd rather stare/cry at for the entirety of next month, after your credit card statement arrives with a new, $300 charge.

3. Briefly Consider "Saving Money" by "Staying In"
You know what?  Let's stay in.  We can make dinner, buy some nice beer, and watch Dick Clark literally grow older before our very eyes.  That will be so much more fun than going out and dealing with hoards of drunken partygoers in the streets.  Yeah, we're definitely staying in -- this was the best decision we've ever made!

4. Find Yourself at Some Dude's House Party
Ok, fine, we'll go out.  After all, tonight will be so much fun, and everyone will be dressed up!  We're definitely going out.  But instead of spending tons of money at some crowded bar, let's go to that house party that our friend's friend's sister's boyfriend is hosting!

5. Regret Every Decision Made Thus Far
After mentally reviewing the chain of events that has led you to some dude's house party, think longingly about all the things you'd rather be doing instead of this.  Which includes anything else.  For instance: that file cabinet you keep shoving pieces of paper into, for your 'records'? You could be organizing that right now! Or those archived episodes of 'Teen Mom 2' that are taking up precious space on your DVR?  Well, those aren't going to watch themselves!  But instead, you're in an under-lit living room of some random row house, holding a busted bottle of Trader Joe's wine, watching people you've never met rhythmically gyrate to a Rihanna medley. Momentarily commend yourself for even recognizing that these are Rihanna songs, considering you haven't been able to name a single 'top 40' song for several years now.

6. Develop an Exit Strategy
After locating the door and telling your friends you're getting sick and need to leave, feel relieved that you have successfully found a way out of this situation. Until it occurs to you that there is absolutely no public transportation nearby, tonight is undoubtedly the busiest night for taxis, and you're way too far away from your apartment to walk home. Exit the house nevertheless, aimlessly wandering in the direction that seems most correct.

7. Fall Asleep at 11:00pm
After miraculously locating a cab and getting home, crawl into bed somehow feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, despite being stone-cold-sober and your clock reading only 11:00pm.  When you're awoken from a dead sleep at 12:02am by your ringing phone, answer it only to hear your mother yell "Happy New Year!" amidst a background of music and horn blowing, because your parents "went out to a bunch of parties with a bunch of friends!" Hang up, roll over, and silently congratulate yourself on another 'epic' New Year's Eve.

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