How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

Fresh on the heels of all those holiday parties you attended, and before committing yourself to those realistic resolutions, I thought it was important to start mentally, emotionally, and physically preparing everyone for what could be the best night of your lives.  Yes, New Year's Eve is here again!!

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

1. Pin Your Hopes and Dreams on the Evening
First off, and this is crucial: whatever you do for New Year's Eve, remember to place a disproportionately large amount of importance on the night.  After all, the opportunity to ring in the new year comes only, well, once a year!  This is the changing of the numerical year -- don't you realize how monumental this occasion is?!  Tomorrow you will have to write "2012" instead of "2011"!!  Therefore, tonight should be 'epic' and anything short of the best night ever should be considered a sheer and utter disappointment.

2. Weigh Your Many Options for How to Spend $300
Before you can have the best night ever, you need to decide how you'll be spending it.  Specifically: do you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money at that fancy bar downtown, or pay an exorbitant amount of money at that new kitschy bar up the street?  If this decision proves difficult, consider which bar name you'd rather stare/cry at for the entirety of next month, after your credit card statement arrives with a new, $300 charge.

3. Briefly Consider "Saving Money" by "Staying In"
You know what?  Let's stay in.  We can make dinner, buy some nice beer, and watch Dick Clark literally grow older before our very eyes.  That will be so much more fun than going out and dealing with hoards of drunken partygoers in the streets.  Yeah, we're definitely staying in -- this was the best decision we've ever made!

4. Find Yourself at Some Dude's House Party
Ok, fine, we'll go out.  After all, tonight will be so much fun, and everyone will be dressed up!  We're definitely going out.  But instead of spending tons of money at some crowded bar, let's go to that house party that our friend's friend's sister's boyfriend is hosting!

5. Regret Every Decision Made Thus Far
After mentally reviewing the chain of events that has led you to some dude's house party, think longingly about all the things you'd rather be doing instead of this.  Which includes anything else.  For instance: that file cabinet you keep shoving pieces of paper into, for your 'records'? You could be organizing that right now! Or those archived episodes of 'Teen Mom 2' that are taking up precious space on your DVR?  Well, those aren't going to watch themselves!  But instead, you're in an under-lit living room of some random row house, holding a busted bottle of Trader Joe's wine, watching people you've never met rhythmically gyrate to a Rihanna medley. Momentarily commend yourself for even recognizing that these are Rihanna songs, considering you haven't been able to name a single 'top 40' song for several years now.

6. Develop an Exit Strategy
After locating the door and telling your friends you're getting sick and need to leave, feel relieved that you have successfully found a way out of this situation. Until it occurs to you that there is absolutely no public transportation nearby, tonight is undoubtedly the busiest night for taxis, and you're way too far away from your apartment to walk home. Exit the house nevertheless, aimlessly wandering in the direction that seems most correct.

7. Fall Asleep at 11:00pm
After miraculously locating a cab and getting home, crawl into bed somehow feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, despite being stone-cold-sober and your clock reading only 11:00pm.  When you're awoken from a dead sleep at 12:02am by your ringing phone, answer it only to hear your mother yell "Happy New Year!" amidst a background of music and horn blowing, because your parents "went out to a bunch of parties with a bunch of friends!" Hang up, roll over, and silently congratulate yourself on another 'epic' New Year's Eve.
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How to Attend a Holiday Party

Holiday parties have been in full swing for a couple weeks now, so I thought it was time I shared a few useful lessons that I've learned, to help make party-going a bit smoother.

It's taken me quite a while to develop what I consider to be "best practices."  But I think I've finally reached the point where I achieve each of these steps, in order, at every single holiday party I attend.  Not only do I consider this a feat of incredible merit, it should also be reason enough to invite me to your next gathering...

How to Attend a Holiday Party

1. Do Not RSVP
You are much too busy watching TLC reality television and taking Advil PM every night to bother with things like "letting friends know you can make it" to their holiday party.  It's not like having a head-count is crucial for food/drink preparation or space considerations.  No, you should let your presence be a surprise!  When you ring the apartment buzzer, you really want to hear a mixture of confusion and disdain when the host greets you with an "Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I guess. Umm. Come on up?"


2. Dress Inappropriately
The next step has taken me years to perfect, so really take your time with this one.  Specifically, over-analyze all possible outfit options, decide you have nothing to wear, go to Target to buy something new, bring it home, realize it doesn't fit because you didn't try it on at the store, and then cry.  Next, try to think about what this party's dress code was last year, maybe that will help!  You definitely remember it being more on the casual side, so throw on jeans, and congratulate yourself on locating within your closet a cute, seasonally appropriate top.  When you arrive at the party to find what appears to be a scene out of the board-game "Clue," realize that you didn't go to this party last year.  Because, if you had, you'd probably remember the ball gowns.  Ohmygod, is that guy wearing an ascot??


3. Attend "Solo" Because You Don't Have a "Boyfriend"
See: every blog post I've ever written.


4. Anger the Neighbors
This one should be relatively easy -- because, who are you kidding.  You didn't bother reading the entire 'Evite' to get the exact address, so of course you're going to knock on the wrong door.


5. Arrive Empty-Handed
That long, Saturday evening nap you took was timed exactly right -- you woke up 10 minutes after both the liquor store and Target had closed.  So, go ahead and forget about bringing a host(ess) gift or the traditional bottle of wine.  Instead, rummage through your cabinets for that canvass-wine-holder you bought for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, fill it with 6 bottles of miscellaneous, "Lite" beers, and meekly smile when everyone looks disparagingly at your contribution to the party.  It also helps if, when the host points you in the direction of the kitchen for a bottle opener, you laugh and pull out that key-chain-bottle-opener you always carry, exclaiming, "no need -- I brought my own!"


6. Talk to No One
Mutter to no one in particular: "how are there so many people here?!"  Next, do a quick mental calculation of how many people would be at your hypothetical holiday party, were you to invite absolutely everyone you knew, and absolutely everyone showed up. When it adds up to roughly 1/10 of the people in this room, feel self-conscious. Then immediately proceed to Step #7.


7. Eat All the Cookies
Hey, no one was eating anything anyway!  I mean, look at some of these people, they're like, H&M-model-skinny.  No, this food is meant for you, and you alone.  So, fill up on an assortment of cookies, until the reinforced paper plate literally bends under the added weight.  Don't bother with a napkin -- you want to be forced to use your shirt sleeve to wipe away the powdered sugar that is somehow all over everything, even though powdered sugar wasn't an ingredient in anything you ate.  When, at some point in the evening, someone makes a loud, passive aggressive comment about how all the cookies are gone, innocently join the rest of the guests as they survey the room looking for the 'culprit.'


8. Leave Early
After completing steps 1-7, leave the party -- ideally around 10pm, since you have a busy day of sleeping-in tomorrow.  You want to be nice and rested for your Sunday-Thai-take-out-for-dinner plans!  But, first, on your walk back to the bus stop, think about how much you enjoy this time of year.  The dressing up, the meeting new people, the seasonal treats.  Be silently confident in your ability to 'kill it' at every party you attend, and excitedly anticipate the many more invites you'll no doubt receive this time next year.

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

As 2011 comes to a close, I thought it was appropriate to start putting together some New Year's resolutions for the coming year.  Now, I try not to go to crazy with resolutions, particularly outlandish, far-fetched ones like "eat more vegetables," or "exercise every once in a while."  No, I've learned my lesson with such lofty goals -- I'm done setting myself up for failure.

Instead, this year I'm taking a different approach.  This year, I'm choosing to aim for realistic, achievable goals that will boost both my confidence and self-esteem.  So, in that spirit, I present my Realistic New Year's Resolutions for 2012...

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

1. Read More Celebrity Gossip Blogs
That stack of 'periodicals' currently piling up under my coffee table isn't getting any smaller.  Because, let's just be honest -- I subscribed to The Economist mostly thinking it would help me attract a smart boyfriend on the subway.  But those days are over -- I am a young, independent woman who can choose whatever reading material she wants!  Therefore, I resolve to read more celebrity gossip, specifically from heralded beacons of journalism like Suri's Burn Book and Oh No They Didn't.

2. Cut Down on Nutrients
That "salad for lunch" thing seemed like such a good idea, until I institutionalized that "total crap for dinner" thing.  So, instead, this year I will strive for more consistency in my eating habits -- specifically, by cutting down the key nutrients in every meal.  After all, science* told me that your body really isn't built to handle all the "vitamins" you consume.  Plus, just in terms of the cost-benefit analysis, nutritional foods are so much more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts.  Ergo, eating fewer nutrients will actually save me money in the long run.  This resolution is so obvious is almost wrote itself!

3. Spend More Money at Target 
You know how the entrance to every single Target forces you to walk through several aisles of cheap, useless crap?  Like sparkly-Chinese-takeout-inspired gift boxes?  Or seasonal socks?  Well, I think I've been approaching this all wrong.  You see, I typically bypass these aisles in favor of the more popular "food" or "medicine" sections.  However, I now see the error of my ways.  Specifically, I recently discovered that these aisles often contain necessary staples, like frosted animal crackers and puffy-glitter-stickers.  So, this year I plan to make up for lost time, by resolving to buy at least five items from the cheap-crap-aisle on every visit to Target.  I think we can all agree that this can only end well.

* and, by "science" I mean the CBS sitcom "The Big Bang Theory"