Sunday, October 30, 2011

Evolution of a GChat Friendship

2007.  Young and Fun.  Large and In-Charge.
9:23 AM A: HOW was last night a good idea?  I only have myself to blame.
 me: Ha! yep, I have been drinking Powerade like it's going out of style. But it was fun!
9:26 AM 
 A: what was that movie with Colin Farrell in the phone booth? That's how I feel. But yes, it was so fun.

 me: you mean "Phone Booth"?9:32 AM me: also, did I tell you that some guy dragged me onto the dance floor at one point last night?
 A: NO.  I don't even remember there being a dance floor.
 me: I only just remembered that


2009.  Older and Not-so-Wiser.  Progressing Dangerously Toward Pathetic.
9:04 PM me: I've been searching "army dad surprises kids at school" on Google.  Prepare for heartache...
 A: omg, why?  WHY?
9:06 PM 
 me: this one will kill you.

 me: and, for the grand finale: PM A: Stop. Stop it right now.
 me: I'm over here blubbering like an idiot.  So, new low point?  Crying in the library?
 A: for us?  no, probably I'm sorry.  There's one more, but I'm not sure you can handle it.
 A: if you give me a tissue, fast forward to about 2:00me: WARNING: there's emotional background music.  By Michael Buble.

9:14 PM        A: Putting that song in is just evil.  I am a mess.
me: You're welcome.

2011. Business Casual and Jadedness.  We are So. Old.
11:44 PM me: I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I just haven't felt 'right' the past few days.11:45 PM A: I'm trying to decide if I have a really bad headache or I'm oh no!  Try drinking some regular coke.  That always helps me.A: I feel gross me: Today I wore that $5 H&M cotton skirt, which I now realize was a bad idea. And definitely not considered 'business casual'11:50 PMA: I hate business casualme: word.  Also, I just bought another episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras" on iTunes. A:omg11:51 PM me: wow, only 9 minutes of my birthday left.A: you have to do something CRAZY.  11:54 PM me: well, in that spirit, I'm going to watch Toddlers and Tiaras and wait for my Advil PM to kick-in.  Night!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Photo Hunt Friday

Fridays are a time for renewed energy and spirit - as the work week winds up, we look excitedly toward weekend adventures ahead!  Fridays are also a time to creepily take your camera into a ladies' restroom, wait until everyone leaves, and then inconspicuously take a photo of the trash can.

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

Photo Hunt Friday *

*Answer Key:  Maybe this is an existential question, but how is it possible for a trash can not to "work"?  What components of a hollowed metal box would have to fail in order for it not to hold thin, crumpled sheets of paper towel?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tuesday Receipt Review

Tuesday Receipt Review:
The "I Went to the Post Office and All I Got was an Elderly Couple with Party Hats" Edition

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Homeopathic Remedies for Your Most Common Ailments

Although I primarily see my physician, Dr. Google, for serious medical issues, I have discovered a number of very effective homeopathic remedies for some of life's most common ailments.  And, never one to keep secret my most fabulous finds, I have decided to share these remedies with all of you - my, literally, hundreds tens of blog followers!

Homeopathic Remedies for Your Most Common Ailments

Ailment: Joint pain, especially in the hands
Remedy: Well, first off, definitely keep typing.  Particularly if it's useless, work-related typing that will never be seen by anyone ever.  When you're done with that, cry a little bit, and then vow to buy an ergonomic-keyboard-hand-rest, until you find out those things are like $40, then curse the day you started working in an office without proper office supplies, then cry a little bit more.  If that doesn't work, try yoga!  What's particularly helpful is hearing your instructor disdainfully say "for those of you who sit at a desk all day, your muscles are probably so tight that this position will be nearly impossible."

Ailment: General malaise
Remedy: Our bodies and our minds are so intrinsically linked that even the slightest change to our eating or exercise habits can have major impacts on our emotional state.  Since, out of the complete blue, you jogged on the treadmill for 12 minutes yesterday, it's probably wise to stop doing that.  There's no reason to shock your body into such intense physical activity so suddenly.  Rather, try easing into a new routine.  Next week, instead of actually jogging, just bring your gym bag to work, tell yourself you're going to work out, and then go home and change into your comfy pants.  It's all about the baby steps. 

Ailment: Mild dizziness
Remedy: Dizziness is certainly nothing to mess around with, and can be a symptom of something very serious.  But, before seeking professional advice, try to make small changes to your daily habits - again, you don't want to shock your body into something drastically different.  Start by weening yourself off your usual 6-7 Diet Cokes per day, and slowly substituting it with healthier alternatives.  For example, Diet Mountain Dew packs 1.5 times the amount of caffeine as colas, without any added sugar or calories.  You really want to stay away from too much sugar, so replacing it with synthetic, chemical substances like aspartame is your best bet.

Ailment: Headaches before bed
Remedy: The first question you should ask yourself is whether these headaches generally occur at the same time.  For instance, if you always seem to get headaches on Tuesday nights, consider whether there's anything in your Tuesday routine that could be causing the problem.  Think outside-the-box, because, remember - the body is a complex machine!  Rather than assume today's headache is the result of coming home, eating everything in your fridge, watching the new "19 Kids and Counting," then pretending to read literature while you're really just passively watching last week's "19 Kids and Counting" rerun; think creatively!  Maybe your Tuesday headaches are brought on by the amount of stress you're under.  So, start by taking two Advil PMs and gently rubbing your temples, while mumbling something about having a 'really, really hard day.'

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

This Week's Highs and Lows

This week has given me a lot to think about.  Occupy Wall Street, political turmoil, a new Anthropologie four blocks from work.  So, so much to think about...

This Week's Highs and Lows
High - Phone catch-ups with long distance friends
Low - "So, I've been really into '19 Kids and Counting' lately. Oh, really?  You're so busy with life that you don't watch TV?  Yeah, I mean, me too." 

High - Crisp, cool air and changing of seasons
Low - Realizing, at work, that my autumn business casual smells like Tupperware storage containers 

High - Re-discovering yoga
Low - Re-discovering muscles in the upper right thigh, which are evidently imperative for sitting and walking 

High - A quiet night out with friends, because "we're all too tired for that artistic, outdoor party next door" 
Low - 

High - Finding new leggings that are almost as thick as pants!
Low - Finally admitting to the world that I intend to wear leggings as pants.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Things I Learned in Brooklyn

I was in New York this weekend to visit a friend who's probably too cool for me, but keeps being my friend anyway.  He's leaving Brooklyn soon to take up residence on that other coast, and I will miss him dearly.

BUT! Brooklyn was amazing.  We did all those lovely autumnal New York activities that kind of make you wish you could forever live in autumnal New York (but not that Winona Ryder version).  They included, in no particular order: brunches, flea markets, promenades, urban hiking, olde fashioned candy, and several life lessons...

Things I Learned in Brooklyn

1.  How unfashionable I am

2.  There is a market for tiny, tiny metal stools

3.  By living in an urban brownstone, you are legally required to display an artistic-but-elegant floor lamp in your front window

4.  How to say "perilous to human life" in Spanish

5.  LED light shows that require epilepsy warnings can coexist, side-by-side, with children's carnival carousels

6.  There are places in this world where taxis take credit cards

7.  Chukka boots come in baby sizes

8.  Choosing a Saturday afternoon wedding in a public park = Choosing to let strangers take pictures of you with their iPhones and openly judge your choice of bridesmaid dresses

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

'Tis the Season

Today marked a monumental day in the seasonal progression of coupons - yes, I received my first Christmas-themed "Groupon."  This one, for personalized holiday cards.

And, like any good deal, this one has tons of perks.  Such as, the ability to crop "ex-friends" out of pictures - now that's the holiday spirit!!

Merry October everyone!  Here's to three more months of holiday cheer...

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Lost Weekend

On Friday, I thought I was going to die.  On Saturday, I felt like there was a good possibility that I was going to die.  By Sunday, I was still going to die, but the danger felt less imminent.

I have the flu.

Apparently it loves me too much to let me go.  So, I've done what anyone else in my situation would - I've watched non-stop Lifetime original programming.  And, I'll admit that, if I have to see this trailer one more time, I might die of something other than influenza...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Photo Hunt Thursday

My love of carbonated beverages is no secret.  I drink way too much soda, and I'm positive that when scientists discover aspartame to be a distant cousin of cyanide, I will be the first to go.

BUT STILL.  Today, whilst polishing off my second Diet "Mtn Dew," I noticed something strange about the two bottles.  I should mention that the bottle on the right had a much more respectable expiration date.  Can you spot the difference?...

Photo Hunt Thursday*

*Answer Key:
Somewhere in this world, a teenager who counts calories to the decimal point is quietly sobbing.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Metal Mouth

I just did a quick Google search of "my mouth tastes like metal" because, well, my mouth tastes like metal.  The top two reasons* why a person's mouth would taste like metal?

1.   Oral Hygiene
2.   "Lifestyle"

Happy Monday!

according to .  You know, that respected, scientific website.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Unique Alternatives to This Year's Most Popular Baby Girl Names

My best friend Alicia is ready to pop - she's due to have a baby girl any day now, and this could not be more perfect for me. I love baby names! I love perusing the baby name list on the Social Security website!  I'm almost positive this, and this alone, is why Alicia and her husband have decided to procreate.

But I don't want this baby girl to have just any old name.  No, she needs a unique name, an exciting name.  A name that will stand both the test of time, and the test of jazz hands.

So, with that, I present to Alicia the best gift I could ever give.  Some fancy, fancy ideas for baby girl's namesake...

Unique Alternatives to This Year's Most Popular Baby Girl Names*

Instead of Lily or Rose, why not try other flower names, such as Bachelor's Button, Jack-in-the-Pulpit, or Lady's Slipper?

Rather than Berkeley, how about giving your little girl a really interesting college-inspired name, like Brandeis, University of Louisiana at Monroe, Indiana (Pennsylvania), or Colorado School of Mines?

Presidential surnames seem to be popular, but why go with Madison, Reagan, or Kennedy when you could choose Bush, Harrison, or Arthur?

Or better yet!  To make this child really unique, misspell that presidential surname!  But not in a predictable way, like Madyson, Raegan, or Kennedi.  In a more unique way - like Boosh, Harry-son, or R-thur!

Ever dreamed of having a little Southern belle like Charlotte or Savannah?  Gosh, there are hundreds of Southern cities and towns you could pick instead!  How about Gastonia, Willacoochee, Lake Purdy, or Half Moon?

Jasmine is a lovely name, derived from a genus of shrub.  But you know what's more lovely?  A name derived from a unique genus of shrub!  I can guarantee that no one else on the playground will answer to the name of Spanish Broom, Witch-hazel, Bladder Senna, or Milkwort!

Exotic is in!  Thousands of parents are giving their little girls names like London or Paris.  With over 200 world capitals, though, it would be a shame not to use something truly exotic.  Try Ouagadougou, Djibouti, or Mexico City instead!

Wordplay is fun, so it's natural that Hannah is a fan favorite.  Trust me, though.  Your little girl will really appreciate having a palindrome name like Wow, 2002, Detartrated, or Racecar.

* Yes, every single one of these names was a top 500 baby girl name in 2010.  Yes, I'm sure!  Yes, even "Madyson."