Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Sir

I used to sit at a desk meant for a secretary administrative assistant, stationed right outside the office of a co-worker.  That meant that people thought I was his secretary administrative assistant. Often, they would stop by and ask me to take messages for him.  Or drop off his mail and ask me to deliver it to him.  But, you see, I don't even work with him, much less for him.

So, hilarity ensued, and has formed the basis of our ongoing shtick.  I'm almost positive this is only funny to us.

Nevertheless, may I present...too much free time at work.

Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 3:34 PM
To: Carrie               
Subject: Action Items


I need you to get me a coffee. I also need to get dry cleaning but don’t think I can get there before the Cardinals game starts tonight, so could you pick that up? Lastly, since moving to the new office building, I can’t figure out how to adjust the height on my chair to make it go up, so I’ve been in the catcher position for 2 weeks.  Can you get online and find the instruction manual to my chair, read it for me, and then give me a 1 pager on how to get out of this crouching position at my desk?

From: Carrie            
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 3:44 PM
Subject: RE: Action Items

Dear Sir,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your recent chair challenges at the new office building.  It must be difficult to deal with such a terrible situation, especially from the comfort and privacy of your own office.  I’m sure that having four walls and a close-able door around you has made this chair debacle even more horrific.

I’ll be happy to provide you with a detailed memo on how to raise a simple, standard office chair.  I will probably start by Googling “my boss is too lazy to look up his own chair instructions” and see where that takes me.  If that does not yield results, I will next consult with nearby co-workers in the office I share with 10 other people, to get their opinions.  Don’t worry, though, I will not reveal your identity, in order to spare you the embarrassment of not knowing how to use a chair.

If all else fails, I have already drafted a lengthy letter to our union representation to inform them of this gross injustice.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Useful Resources for Preventing Bed Bugs

I think the tipping point was when the 4th friend sent me this article, entitled "With Bed Bugs, the Cure May be Worse than the Disease"...

At first I was interested (oh wow, a new scientific article about bed bugs!) Then, a little perplexed (hmm, I wonder why four different people have sent me this?)  And finally, worried (do my friends think I'm neurotic about everything bed bugs?!)

Most likely, though, multiple friends sent me this article because they know that I have approached the growing bed bug epidemic with a calm, prudent resolve.  Yeah, I think that's probably the reason.  In any event, I have thus far managed to keep myself completely bed-bug-free.  Below you'll find some resources that I've compiled along the way...

1. Friends and Family
You know that friend who did Peace Corps in rural, Sub-Saharan Africa?  She knows all kinds of stuff about weird skin diseases!  Send her picture texts of your suspicious 'bites' with messages like "OMG, Holy Crap, I have bed bugs don't I?!?!"  It helps if these 'bites' are in places that will both embarrass and disgust her when she opens the messages in front of her boyfriend.

2. The World Wide Web
Search EVERYTHING on  This includes hotels, motels, your apartment complex, apartment complexes where you don't live, friends' addresses, acquaintance's addresses, addresses in cities you've never visited, etc.  If your searches yield zero results, know that it's because no one has reported their bed bug incidents yet.  But they will.  Oh, they will.

3. Common Sense
Be pro-active -- start itching yourself before you get into bed.  This is also a good self-preservation technique -- in the (un)likely event that bed bugs strike, your co-workers won't notice the bites, because they'll be distracted by the long, claw-like red marks down your arms and legs.

4. The Gift of Fear
The best medicine is always a healthy dose of panic. Don't be afraid to disrupt, nay, ruin an otherwise wonderful vacation by pleading with your friends to put their clothes in Ziploc storage bags, and isolate them from the rest of their wardrobe for at least one year.  When they roll their eyes and try to convince you to "Come outside and enjoy the bonfire," don't listen!  Don't they realize how sketchy that HoJo Inn looked?!  No, you continue on your tirade.  And be silently confident that the stress rash emerging on your lower thigh is a hard-earned battle scar.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday Haiku

Note to men everywhere:
"You look really, really tired"
Is a bad idea

Friday, September 16, 2011

DVR Conversations

I looked into my soul DVR, and my soul DVR looked back...

A friend came over to watch TV last night, and as we flipped through my recorded shows, she had a lot of follow-up questions.  Below is my Answer Key:
  • Yes, I do already own every season of "The Big Bang Theory" on DVD.  And, yes, I'm too lazy to get it out and put it into my DVD player.
  • What do you mean? I thought everyone had seen "I'll Do Anything" - a heartfelt drama about a washed-up actor (Nick Nolte) struggling to raise his 6-year-old daughter as a single father!?
  • No, I didn't realize that this week's People magazine cover story is entitled: "Toddlers & Tiaras Controversy: Are They Growing Up Too Fast?"
  • Dr. Phil had Casey Anthony's parents on his season premiere!  It comes on while I'm at work!!
  • Look, I'm not making you watch "Children of Waco."  I just thought it sounded really interesting!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Netflix: Top Picks for Carrie

Title: "Kicking It"

Plot: This touching documentary follows six homeless soccer players battling poverty and addiction as they prepare to compete in the Homeless World Cup.

Selected for you because: you periodically YouTube-search "Army dad home from Iraq surprises kids at school!"  And you promise yourself you won't cry.  And then you cry.

Title: "Shake it Up"

Plot: When high-spirited CeCe Jones and sweet-natured Rocky Blue land roles as backup dancers on a local TV show, they juggle rising stardom, schoolwork and distracting brothers, while a twin-sibling dancing team keeps them on their toes in the studio.

Selected for you because: you pretend like you're surprised when people ask you when the season finale of Dance Moms is on, because you're all like "How would I know that?"  But your DVR is already set for September 28.

Title: "Lost in Austen"

Plot: After a dispute with her boyfriend, Amanda lands in the 19th-century world of author Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

Selected for you because: you will be single forever.

Title: "Chasing the Kidney Stone"

Plot: When his grandfather comes down with a mysterious ailment, a boy shrinks himself and embarks on an odyssey through the old man's body.

Selected for you because: see number 3

Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday Haiku

When high heels trip me,
I'm not sure how, but always
Hot man sees everything

Apparently, I need to start wearing these to work.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Doctor Google

You Searched:
"blood shot left eye + small red mark on shoulder"
Internet Diagnosis:
Wow, it's lucky you caught this in time, and linked together these seemingly unrelated symptoms.  Have you ever Google Image-searched "purpura"?  Because seeing pictures of severe cases will convince you that you have it.  And then you should cry.

You Searched:
"my legs itch after showers"
Internet Diagnosis:
"Aquagenic Pruritis": a severe skin disease that will require expensive creams and several trips to the dermatologist.  You should probably also read blogs about other people who think they have this disorder, to both alleviate and heighten your concern.

You Searched:
"really tired?"
Internet Diagnosis:
Well, it's definitely cancer.  Or organ failure.  But something really serious.  Have you had a CT scan?  Oh, your insurance doesn't cover CT scans?  Well you need one anyway.  You should make an appointment with a specialist right now.  In fact, while you're Yelp-ing "Best cheapest cancer doctor DC?", you should probably also Google Map directions to the Mayo Clinic just to be prepared.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Things We Learned from Hurricane Irene

About a week and a half ago, we were visited by a fickle, fickle friend. Her name was Irene, and like most unwelcomed house-guests, she chucked tree branches at our cars, and forced us to buy groceries we otherwise wouldn't have (really, Carrie? banana crunch cereal and 2 loaves of white bread?). Here are some of the most valuable lessons that Irene taught us...

1. When in doubt about possible power outages, pre-emptively eat all frozen goods just to be on the safe side.

2. You know what? Go ahead and eat all refrigerated goods too. You know, just to be safe.

3. When your power doesn't actually go out, take solace in the fact that your empty refrigerator and freezer are an indication of your level of hurricane preparedness.

4. If you have a boyfriend, hurricanes are a great opportunity to spend some quality, one-on-one time together without distractions.

5. If you don't have a boyfriend, hurricanes are a great opportunity to watch every episode of The Tudors with commentary.

6. When your friends invite you to an "Awesome Hurricane Partay!" tell them that you should probably stay home to secure your valuables outside, even though you live in a 5th floor studio apartment.

7. One Advil PM will help you sleep through wind gusts.

8. Three Advil PMs will cause you to hallucinate halfway through the night, thinking those gusts of wind are angry birds chomping their way through your mesh window screen.