Monday, April 30, 2012

The 'Sectional Sofa' Phase

Over the weekend I went on a bit of a furniture bender.  My parents have owned this green, leather, GREEN couch since roughly the Reagan Administration, and it mysteriously ended up living in my apartment.  For a while now, I've suspected that the green monster needed to go.

So, I started casually browsing furniture online.

I don't really know how it happened -- the details are still a little fuzzy.  But somehow I ended up purchasing a sectional sofa.  Which kind of makes me feels like I've started a new phase of my life.  The "Sectional Sofa" Phase...
Happy Monday everyone!  Did you do anything fun over the weekend?  Like buy a microfiber sectional sofa from a wholesale discount store, perhaps?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Video of the Day

Do you ever have one of those weeks that seems like a complete blur, where there's just so much to do and it all feels a little overwhelming, and you just want to STOP EVERYTHING and watch videos of wiener dogs racing in hot dog costumes?...

Me too.

Happy Thursday, everyone!  I hope that today you can slow down and really reflect on how you'd dress up a wiener dog in costume, if given the opportunity.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Words with "Medium Terrible" Friends

Look, I'm not always on my game...

Words with "Medium Terrible" Friends
B: this photo of President Obama on the Rosa Parks bus is pretty amazing
me: look how much smaller people were back then!
B: uh.  I guess so?
me: I just know that the President is pretty slim, and he's taking up 3/4 of that seat!

[pause for soul searching]

me: is it terrible that was the first thing I thought when I saw this picture?
B: medium terrible.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Coca Cola Overdrive

By my estimation, approximately 1 million people have sent me this article, entitled "Cola Habit Behind Death of Woman."

My take-aways are twofold:

1. How terrible that a woman died of over-consumption of soda.
2. How terrible that my friends fear such a fate for me.

But, I can assure you that I will never, ever drink 2 gallons of Diet Coke.  Well, unless I'm super stressed.  Or tired.  Or have a really hard day.  Or just need a lot of Diet Coke.

But probably never.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Weather Forecasts for the Modern, Single Lady

I recently bought some coconut oil.  Mostly because I have friends who are "adults" and "cook meals," and sort of unknowingly brainwashed me into thinking I needed to buy some coconut oil.

Well, it's been about three months, and I still have no idea what to do with coconut oil.  Particularly since it has this crazy property where it changes from liquid to solid, back to liquid again, depending on the temperature.  THE TEMPERATURE.

So I put the jar of coconut oil on my window sill.  I was running out of room in my cupboard, and it just seemed right.  After a few days I noticed that, if I kept my window open, the jar would conveniently alert me to the current outdoor climes.

You probably see where this is going.

Because, you know me well enough to guess that I don't check the weather report each day.  No, that requires forethought.  And free time -- and, let's just be honest, I'm a little busy now that the new Dance Moms spin-off, "Dance Moms: Miami" has begun.

However, I am tired of walking outside and realizing that I'm dressed inappropriately.  Or thinking it's 'wet-hair-to-work' season when we're actually still in 'tights-under-skirt-to-work' season.  So, with that, I give you...

Weather Forecasts for the Modern, Single Lady

On Monday it was a blistering completely liquefied coconut oil day!  My hair was actually frizzy -- which is unacceptable. It's still April, I should have at least five more weeks before I look like Roseanne Roseannadanna.

By Tuesday, it had cooled to a mere murky, clumpy coconut oil day.  Which is probably my favorite weather -- not yet completely liquefied, but also not totally solid.

But, by some strange weather quirk, on Wednesday it was back to a more seasonally appropriate totally solid coconut oil day.  Which makes me feel a little better about global warming.  Ok, my hair.  It mostly makes me feel better about my hair.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Photo Hunt Wednesday

I was doing a casual perusing of Facebook today when one of the ads on the side bar caught my attention.  Because?  Well, you can probably decide that for yourself...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key:  I'm not.  I can't.  I just, don't understand.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

How to Get a Shellac Manicure

I probably should have known not to get something called a "shellac" manicure, considering my short attention span and love of exit strategies.  BECAUSE I CANNOT GET THIS STUFF OFF.

Have you ever had one of these things??

No?  Well good, I'm glad I caught you in time...

So beautiful!

How to Get a Shellac Manicure

1. Never, ever get a shellac manicure

2. Ok, fine, buy that Groupon for a shellac manicure because it's, like, 200% off

3. Marvel at how fancy this all seems!  The special brushes!  The UV drying lamp!  Getting to pick your polish from a chart!  A chart! And to think, not too long ago you were just a small-town kid from Iowa who dreamed of someday getting such an elaborate manicure in the big city!

4. Use phrases like "new technology," and "totally superior" to describe your new look to friends.  When they claim to have gotten a similar "gel" manicures a couple years ago, scoff.  This is shellac.

5.  Enjoy all of the many benefits of a shellac manicure for 2-3 weeks. Like: it's so shiny!  And, it won't chip off the tips like most polishes.  No matter how many times you have to dig around in your suitcase-sized purse for those stupid keys.

6. Call those same friends three weeks later, crying.  You just want it off.

7. "Oh, you have to get it professionally removed?"

8. Delicately brush your nails with nail polish remover for 10 minutes.  Or 30?  Fine, 50.

9. Nothing

10. Pour an entire bottle of that blue, acetone poison into a sturdy, plastic container.  Oh, here, just use this "Blue Bunny Personals" ice cream container you never threw away.

11. Immerse your fingers into the liquid.

12. When the polish starts to bubble, carefully scrape away the chips with an orange stick

13. Is that nail you're peeling??


15. Make an appointment to get this damn stuff professionally removed.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Video of the Day

I've been out sick for the last 3 days, doped up on cough syrup and starved of human contact.  But today, I'm back!

Between my DayQuil haze, the thrill of seeing other actual people, and the fact that it's Friday, I'm imagining my first day back at work will look something like this...

Happy Friday everyone!  I hope you're all screaming with excitement.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Choose Your Own (Weekend) Adventure

This weekend reminded me of those Choose Your Own Adventure books -- remember those?  Like the Mario Brothers one that was like playing a video game, but was actually a book that you read, so your parents bought it in order to pry you away from the 'Sega Game Gear' that you became weirdly addicted to??

No?  I mean, me neither.

In any event, this weekend I had several moments where things could have gone one of two ways...

Choose Your Own (Weekend) Adventure
You invite some friends to an aquatic garden, thinking that spring should be the perfect time to visit, but when you get there it looks like THIS.  What do you do?...

1.  Laugh it off, try to make the most of it, and walk around anyway.

2.  Go to Costco Wholesale Club

Answer: #2!

You get to Costco and realize that nothing in this store will ever fit into your 500 square foot studio apartment, nor do you need 150 of any particular product. What do you do?...

1. Adopt a reasonable attitude: buy nothing, except if you see something you really, really need.

2. BUY EVERYTHING.  Ohmygosh, this is so exciting -- you didn't even know they SOLD bar soap in 24-packs!  And it doesn't even MATTER that you could, literally, cover every surface in your apartment with a family-size-pack of paper towels -- they're, like, 75 cents per roll when you buy them in multiples of 20!

Answer: #2!

Finally, you arrive back home, survey your car trunk, and debate how to get 40 rolls of paper towels, 24 bars of soap, 4 pounds of powdered sugar, and a case of fruit snacks up five flights of stairs and into your apartment. What do you do?...
1. Make several trips.  You're the one who decided you needed to shop for a family of 12, now you must figure out a way to carry everything inside.

2. Awe screw it.  These will be your "car fruit snacks"

Answer: #2!

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend.  Anyone wanna come over and eat fruit snacks with me in my parking lot?

(image sources here and here)

Monday, April 9, 2012

And Now, A Squirrel Interlude

I will be back tomorrow with a lengthy post recapping my weekend, so you can rest easier knowing that's coming.  As a teaser: it involves wholesale shopping.

Until then, please enjoy this photo of a squirrel.  Because?...

Oh, hello there.  (source)

...It's Squirrel Week!!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy Easter!

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one terrified by adults in animal costumes...

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter, free of upsettingly large bunnies.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Photo Hunt Wednesday

Today at work, I was walking down a hallway I don't usually travel, and stumbled upon a magical land...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: I may never leave the pretzel room.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Things I Learned in Colonial Williamsburg

I visited Colonial Williamsburg over the weekend.  In addition to answering the follow-up question of "Oh God, why?" from everyone I've told, I have spent the majority of today reflecting on the valuable lessons I learned during my trip...

Things I Learned in Colonial Williamsburg

They retired Felicity!

Apparently, taking pictures of other people's children in period costumes is considered "inappropriate"

If I'm ever on the show "Hoarders," it will be, in large part, due to my collection of souvenir koozies

A silent 'e' can (nay, should!) be added to the end of every word

Relatedly, everything tastes better when it comes from an Olde Tyme Shoppe

My new least favorite accent is "Southerner impersonating Colonial-era Irish immigrant"

Colonial Williamsburg is: having a little boy in a tiny tricorne hat point a wooden toy gun at you from his stroller