Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Being 80

I consider myself somewhat of a self-taught expert in the art of being 80-years-old.  In fact, by the time I'm actually 80-years-old, I think I'll have this down to a science.  That is, if I don't die of bed bugs, airplane anxiety, or WebMD first.

In the event that you, too, would like to start refining your craft, I thought I'd share some of my own best practices...

This week alone I have:

- Discovered a wad of hard candy wrappers in my coat pocket

- Visited an arthritic specialist for some hand problems I've been having

- After passing a tweenager on the street, loudly remarked to a friend that I'd "never let my daughter leave the house in a skirt that short"

- Brought a Tupperware full of cupcakes, a box of Girl Scout cookies, and a pack of napkins into a movie theater

- Asked a friend if she wanted to have 'supper' together

- During an iPhone commercial, yelled, "Why on Earth do you need to watch videos on your phone?!"

- Started a happy hour conversation with, "Can we talk about health insurance premiums?"

- Received an AARP catalog, addressed to me, in the mail...'s like they know.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Job of the Day

I'll, um, be back in a few months.  I've discovered a new career path that I'd like to explore, and I'm going to see where this goes.

No, but seriously.  From the annals of "that's someone's job?!" I present the first in what I imagine to be a long series of jobs I'd rather be doing right now: the "New Mexico Chile Pepper Institute"edition...

more about this dream job here

Friday, February 24, 2012

Dangerous Discoveries -- The Frosting Edition

This has been a week full of really dangerous discoveries.  The most recent is something I stumbled upon at the grocery store.  Why I have not been formally barred from entering the "cake/baking/sugar" aisle is beyond me.

I'm not proud of it, but yesterday I bought chocolate frosting in a spray can...

So far, I have:

1. Frosted actual cupcakes
2. Sprayed it directly into my mouth
3. Frosted a Special K bar I found in my cupboard
4. Opened a jar of peanut butter, sprayed frosting into it, swirled it around, and ate it with a spoon

Somebody, please.  Come to my apartment and take this stuff away immediately.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Lizzie McGuire Diet

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Today, I'm giving up pop.  Or soda, depending on your regional loyalties.  Well wishes are appreciated, but jokes about my Diet Coke addiction are appreciated even more.

Some of you are probably asking yourselves why you should care I've chosen to take this drastic step.  To answer that question, I'll cite one of my first pop-related revelations.  It was a Hilary Duff interview, which aired in 2005 on that beacon of hard-hitting television journalism, The View.

Fast forward to about 5:00...

WHAT?!  What do you mean diet soda makes you heavier??  It has no sugar and zero calories -- how is that even possible??

I immediately discredited her -- mostly because, up until this point, her most notable role was as tweenager Lizzie McGuire in the Disney Channel sitcom, masterfully titled "Lizzie McGuire."  Besides that one episode where Lizzie goes on a camping trip with her biology class, how much could she possibly know about science?

Yet, I couldn't get this out of my mind.  Even today, 7 years later, this interview still haunts me.  So, I've decided to test this hypothesis for myself.  I'm giving up pop.  I'm letting Lizzie McGuire take the wheel.

Incidentally, if this doesn't work out, I'm writing a strongly worded letter to the Disney Channel.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dangerous Discoveries -- Doctor Google

I have some really, really terrible news.

Today, as I was doing my daily internet search of ailments, I discovered something new on Google -- a sort of WebMD tie-in, whereby one search nets a simple list of everything that is absolutely not likely wrong with you.

Let it be known that today, February 21, was the day that Carrie officially fell into the rabbit hole...

Friday, February 17, 2012

Photo Hunt Friday

Having a car has really allowed me to explore my city in new and thrilling ways. To look for exciting adventures beyond the public-transportation-friendly locales.  For example, just last weekend I was able to visit that new, suburban Safeway I'd been wanting to try!

In the spirit of adventure, I present a grocery-store-themed Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: "Honey, what's for breakfast?"  "Oh, let's see -- we have beer, and beer."

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

And Now, For a Serious Word or Two...

A former classmate of mine has been a political prisoner for far too long in Azerbaijan.  He's fighting for democracy in his country, something that most of us will - fortunately - never have to do.

I'd really appreciate it if you could take a few seconds out of your day to sign a petition for his release...

Wednesday Receipt Review

I had to pick something up at the printer yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised to see my receipt.  I don't know what this means, but I'll take it...

Wednesday Receipt Review - The "Hot Folder User" Edition

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Birthday Highs and Lows

Saturday I turned another year older, wiser, and more sensible.  Right?  Right.  Overall, the day was a success and I feel very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends.  But what would an event involving yours truly be without some over-analysis and moments of desperation?  With that, I present, a few selected birthday highs and lows...

Birthday Highs and Lows

High: The 12 Cookie Monster cupcakes my friend J brought over to my apartment!
Low: Eating 12 Cookie Monster cupcakes in my apartment.

High: Knowing that I'll never join the 27-club!
Low: "Carrie. You're not famous. Why do you care about the 27-club?"

High: My birthday fell on a Saturday this year!
Low: My birthday fell on the day Whitney Houston died this year.

High: New experiences, like the Korean spa I decided to try out!
Low: Learning what makes Korean spas unique.  For example, the "no swimsuits allowed in the pool" rule.

High: The dozen cupcakes that my friend A brought to my birthday happy hour!
Low: Realizing, halfway through devouring a cupcake that, not only was I eating alone, but Adele's "Someone Like You" was playing ominously overhead.

Friday, February 10, 2012

And Then This Happened.

One of my favorite parts about birthday season is the vast array of 'birthday deals' that usually come through my inbox.  This year, however, it seemed like the deals were pretty few and far between.  In fact, I was starting to think that I wouldn't receive any special birthday deals at all!

And then this happened.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Photo Hunt Thursday

Happy Thursday!  I'm sure everyone's busy preparing for Carrie Day (it's Saturday, but don't worry -- I've already received the only gift I need this year).  So, I'll keep this photo hunt short and sweet...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

Answer Key: "defenestrate" -- verb; meaning: to throw out a window.
As a Federal employee, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about being "defenestrated."  However, from the context of the tweet, it seems relatively positive.  So, glad?  Ok, sure.  Let's go with glad.

A big thanks to my friend Becky, who sent me this.  She follows this man on Twitter, which leads me to believe that she knows all 435 representatives by heart.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Words about Pilots

My msnbc desktop news application is programmed to send me any and all terrifying stories about airplanes.  You know - to really solidify my neurotic unfounded longstanding fear of flying.  And, today's headline, "Indonesia Pilot Tests Positive for Crystal Meth" certainly did not disappoint...

me: oh lord, have you seen this story?!
B: how often do you fly Indonesia airlines?
me: well never, now!
B: honestly, if your pilot is going to be high on anything, crystal meth is probably the best.

looks like it's time to get a prescription for that new, airplane-induced-anxiety medication I've had my eye on.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Breaking News

You guys don't need to worry about getting me anything for my birthday this year.  I've just received the greatest gift of all...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Happy Hour Conference Call

Yesterday, we discovered the greatest/worst idea ever.  Below is an excerpt from the actual email chain where this amazing/terrible concept was born. I think this might be a real slippery slope...

me:  we need to decide where we're going for happy hour tonight.
C:     is everyone free at 12:00 to discuss over the phone?
A:     I guess so?
C:     OK, great, here's the information:  Call-in number: 1-800-776-         Participant Code: 88     
me:   so, we're having a happy hour conference call?
C:     yes - I can't type that fast, and it's too hard to accurately reflect my emotions over email.

this happened.