Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Doctor Google: Check-Up

It's been over two months since I last saw my primary care physician, Doctor Google, so I thought it was about time for a check-up...

Doctor Google: Check-Up
You Searched: 
"when I woke up this morning, my wrist kind of hurt"
Internet Diagnosis: 
Did you know that symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis can present themselves in patients as young as 16?  And, despite the fact that this is the first time your wrist has ever hurt like this, you've probably been unknowingly plagued by this serious condition for over 12 years!  Your critical first steps in treatment are:
1) call your mom and cry;
2) take cell phone pictures of your wrist and send them to your mom;
3) call your mom back and exclaim "doesn't that look really bad?!"
When your mom doesn't prove helpful, go ahead and search "rheumatoid arthritis life expectancy" and panic when says that "On average, life expectancy is somewhat shorter for people with rheumatoid arthritis than for the general population."

You Searched:
"bags under eyes"
Internet Diagnosis:
Have these bags been accompanied by inexplicable weight loss?  No?  How about inexplicable weight gain?  No again?  Well, inexplicable weight maintenance is the worst of all!!  You definitely have something severe, it's really just a question of what.  Ignore the 99% of websites that tell you differently, and fixate on that one site that said bags under your eyes are a sign of kidney problems.  Weren't you just complaining about minor back pain last month?!  Immediately put yourself on a 'water-only' regimen for about two hours, or until you realize you really, really need a Diet Coke.  Whichever comes first.

You Searched: 
"raspy voice?"
Internet Diagnosis: 
You need to schedule a laryngoscopy immediately.  Which is a flexible tube that goes up your nose, then down into your throat, and is held there until you tell the doctor your eyes are watering, but you're really just crying.  Then they charge you $115.  Make sure you read about people on message boards who have had false-negative test results, because when the ENT tells you there's nothing wrong with you, you're going to need a second opinion.

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