A Letter to My Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My best friend Alicia recently had a beautiful baby girl, who, despite my pleading, was not named "Ouagadougou" or "Racecar," but rather "Eleanor."  I guess there's always next time.

I'd like to start teaching Baby E some important life lessons now, while she's too young to question anything I say.  I feel that these lessons will help her develop into the stoic, rational, and sensible person I myself have become...

A Letter to my Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My Dearest Eleanor,

There are a lot of life lessons I hope to impart in the coming years, but none as important as this: "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is real.

Be suspicious when a property management company tells you that a particular studio apartment is "basically like a 1-bedroom."  They're lying.  If you had a 1-bedroom, you'd be able to entertain guests comfortably without someone's shoes touching your pillow.

Making everything from scratch seems neat, but wouldn't you rather just buy a box of dry pasta from the store?

Any product that claims to be "0% of the fat, but 100% of the flavor" is complete crap.  Nothing without fat is as good as its fatty alternative.  Well, except for spray butter.  That stuff is awesome.

Never, ever go to grad school.  Just kidding.  Go to grad school, then question why you chose that particular field of study, then think longingly about all the other ways you could have spent $100,000, then go to law school.

Oral health is extremely important. But ignore the insurance company when they tell you that your plan doesn't include dental.  It does.  They just want you to spend an extra $11 per pay period on additional dental coverage that you'll never need -- unless you eat a lot of Laughy Taffy. Or Sour Patch Kids.  Oooo, or Jolly Ranchers.  Ok fine, buy the extra $11 worth of dental.

Some people just fundamentally do not know how to share a sidewalk, and no amount of glaring or exasperated sighing will change that.

Generic 'Diet Cola" is a busted double of Diet Coke.  And generic earbuds will fall apart after, like, 10 uses.  But generic Advil?  Every bit as good as real Advil.

When your birthday falls on a Saturday, it can feel like a lot of pressure.  So, embrace it by forcing everyone to go to that learn-to-line-dance class you've been wanting to try.

If the cable repair person arrives four hours late for your scheduled appointment, don't take your anger out on him/her.  Instead, call the cable company's 1-800 number and threaten to switch to their 'competitor' without naming who that particular 'competitor' is, even if there is no 'competitor' in your area.  Just sound confident and forceful, and demand a plan that is $20 less, before taxes.  It will never work, but you'll feel better knowing you tried.

Love Always,
Aunt Carrie

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

Fresh on the heels of all those holiday parties you attended, and before committing yourself to those realistic resolutions, I thought it was important to start mentally, emotionally, and physically preparing everyone for what could be the best night of your lives.  Yes, New Year's Eve is here again!!

How to Celebrate New Year's Eve

1. Pin Your Hopes and Dreams on the Evening
First off, and this is crucial: whatever you do for New Year's Eve, remember to place a disproportionately large amount of importance on the night.  After all, the opportunity to ring in the new year comes only, well, once a year!  This is the changing of the numerical year -- don't you realize how monumental this occasion is?!  Tomorrow you will have to write "2012" instead of "2011"!!  Therefore, tonight should be 'epic' and anything short of the best night ever should be considered a sheer and utter disappointment.

2. Weigh Your Many Options for How to Spend $300
Before you can have the best night ever, you need to decide how you'll be spending it.  Specifically: do you want to pay an exorbitant amount of money at that fancy bar downtown, or pay an exorbitant amount of money at that new kitschy bar up the street?  If this decision proves difficult, consider which bar name you'd rather stare/cry at for the entirety of next month, after your credit card statement arrives with a new, $300 charge.

3. Briefly Consider "Saving Money" by "Staying In"
You know what?  Let's stay in.  We can make dinner, buy some nice beer, and watch Dick Clark literally grow older before our very eyes.  That will be so much more fun than going out and dealing with hoards of drunken partygoers in the streets.  Yeah, we're definitely staying in -- this was the best decision we've ever made!

4. Find Yourself at Some Dude's House Party
Ok, fine, we'll go out.  After all, tonight will be so much fun, and everyone will be dressed up!  We're definitely going out.  But instead of spending tons of money at some crowded bar, let's go to that house party that our friend's friend's sister's boyfriend is hosting!

5. Regret Every Decision Made Thus Far
After mentally reviewing the chain of events that has led you to some dude's house party, think longingly about all the things you'd rather be doing instead of this.  Which includes anything else.  For instance: that file cabinet you keep shoving pieces of paper into, for your 'records'? You could be organizing that right now! Or those archived episodes of 'Teen Mom 2' that are taking up precious space on your DVR?  Well, those aren't going to watch themselves!  But instead, you're in an under-lit living room of some random row house, holding a busted bottle of Trader Joe's wine, watching people you've never met rhythmically gyrate to a Rihanna medley. Momentarily commend yourself for even recognizing that these are Rihanna songs, considering you haven't been able to name a single 'top 40' song for several years now.

6. Develop an Exit Strategy
After locating the door and telling your friends you're getting sick and need to leave, feel relieved that you have successfully found a way out of this situation. Until it occurs to you that there is absolutely no public transportation nearby, tonight is undoubtedly the busiest night for taxis, and you're way too far away from your apartment to walk home. Exit the house nevertheless, aimlessly wandering in the direction that seems most correct.

7. Fall Asleep at 11:00pm
After miraculously locating a cab and getting home, crawl into bed somehow feeling like you've just been hit by a truck, despite being stone-cold-sober and your clock reading only 11:00pm.  When you're awoken from a dead sleep at 12:02am by your ringing phone, answer it only to hear your mother yell "Happy New Year!" amidst a background of music and horn blowing, because your parents "went out to a bunch of parties with a bunch of friends!" Hang up, roll over, and silently congratulate yourself on another 'epic' New Year's Eve.
.

How to Attend a Holiday Party

Holiday parties have been in full swing for a couple weeks now, so I thought it was time I shared a few useful lessons that I've learned, to help make party-going a bit smoother.

It's taken me quite a while to develop what I consider to be "best practices."  But I think I've finally reached the point where I achieve each of these steps, in order, at every single holiday party I attend.  Not only do I consider this a feat of incredible merit, it should also be reason enough to invite me to your next gathering...

How to Attend a Holiday Party

1. Do Not RSVP
You are much too busy watching TLC reality television and taking Advil PM every night to bother with things like "letting friends know you can make it" to their holiday party.  It's not like having a head-count is crucial for food/drink preparation or space considerations.  No, you should let your presence be a surprise!  When you ring the apartment buzzer, you really want to hear a mixture of confusion and disdain when the host greets you with an "Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I guess. Umm. Come on up?"


2. Dress Inappropriately
The next step has taken me years to perfect, so really take your time with this one.  Specifically, over-analyze all possible outfit options, decide you have nothing to wear, go to Target to buy something new, bring it home, realize it doesn't fit because you didn't try it on at the store, and then cry.  Next, try to think about what this party's dress code was last year, maybe that will help!  You definitely remember it being more on the casual side, so throw on jeans, and congratulate yourself on locating within your closet a cute, seasonally appropriate top.  When you arrive at the party to find what appears to be a scene out of the board-game "Clue," realize that you didn't go to this party last year.  Because, if you had, you'd probably remember the ball gowns.  Ohmygod, is that guy wearing an ascot??


3. Attend "Solo" Because You Don't Have a "Boyfriend"
See: every blog post I've ever written.


4. Anger the Neighbors
This one should be relatively easy -- because, who are you kidding.  You didn't bother reading the entire 'Evite' to get the exact address, so of course you're going to knock on the wrong door.


5. Arrive Empty-Handed
That long, Saturday evening nap you took was timed exactly right -- you woke up 10 minutes after both the liquor store and Target had closed.  So, go ahead and forget about bringing a host(ess) gift or the traditional bottle of wine.  Instead, rummage through your cabinets for that canvass-wine-holder you bought for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, fill it with 6 bottles of miscellaneous, "Lite" beers, and meekly smile when everyone looks disparagingly at your contribution to the party.  It also helps if, when the host points you in the direction of the kitchen for a bottle opener, you laugh and pull out that key-chain-bottle-opener you always carry, exclaiming, "no need -- I brought my own!"


6. Talk to No One
Mutter to no one in particular: "how are there so many people here?!"  Next, do a quick mental calculation of how many people would be at your hypothetical holiday party, were you to invite absolutely everyone you knew, and absolutely everyone showed up. When it adds up to roughly 1/10 of the people in this room, feel self-conscious. Then immediately proceed to Step #7.


7. Eat All the Cookies
Hey, no one was eating anything anyway!  I mean, look at some of these people, they're like, H&M-model-skinny.  No, this food is meant for you, and you alone.  So, fill up on an assortment of cookies, until the reinforced paper plate literally bends under the added weight.  Don't bother with a napkin -- you want to be forced to use your shirt sleeve to wipe away the powdered sugar that is somehow all over everything, even though powdered sugar wasn't an ingredient in anything you ate.  When, at some point in the evening, someone makes a loud, passive aggressive comment about how all the cookies are gone, innocently join the rest of the guests as they survey the room looking for the 'culprit.'


8. Leave Early
After completing steps 1-7, leave the party -- ideally around 10pm, since you have a busy day of sleeping-in tomorrow.  You want to be nice and rested for your Sunday-Thai-take-out-for-dinner plans!  But, first, on your walk back to the bus stop, think about how much you enjoy this time of year.  The dressing up, the meeting new people, the seasonal treats.  Be silently confident in your ability to 'kill it' at every party you attend, and excitedly anticipate the many more invites you'll no doubt receive this time next year.

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster

I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about all the disasters that could befall me, and then neurotically worrying about their consequences.  I think we can all agree that this is time well spent.

But what good is neurosis if you can't share it with friends?  In that spirit, I present the first in a series of guides on how to avoid potential disasters.  In this edition I have provided you with a few simple steps to avoiding one particularly scary disaster: fire by straightening-iron...

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster: Fire by Straightening Iron

Step 1: Panic
Your first, and arguably most crucial step in preventing a straightening-iron-related-disaster is to panic.  Specifically, rack your brain trying to remember whether you turned the straightener off this morning.  You must have.  Isn't today, like, the fourth time this week you've worried about this?  And all four times, you panicked for nothing -- of course you turned it off.  But what if you didn't?  What if this time was different??  Ohmygod, you didn't turn it off.  You didn't turn it off, and now a fire is about to destroy your entire apartment building.


Step 2: Alienate Those Around You

Momentarily feel a sense of hope, as you wonder aloud whether your straightening iron can turn itself off.  Because, somehow, after experiencing this exact same freak-out day after day, you've never actually looked on the device or done any amount of research to see whether it has an automatic shut-off function.  Then, furiously rebuff anyone nearby who tries to reassuringly suggest that "most devices nowadays do."  They've never even seen your straightening iron, how dare they try to blindly comfort you!!


Step 3: Forget Crucial Details
Next, develop some sort of inexplicable, short-term memory loss.  You definitely used your straightening iron this morning, that much is certain.  However, your mind is a complete blank from the time you plugged it in until the alleged "turning off" of the device.  Which is weird, because you remember, in great detail, everything else about this morning -- including those hideous outfits that Hoda and Kathie Lee were wearing on the Today Show.


Step 4: Flee
Your only real option is to immediately run outside, hail a taxi, and rush home.  No matter where you are or what you're doing.  What if your entire apartment is aflame?!  Wouldn't you feel bad about all those children and puppies rendered homeless by your blatant disregard for life and property??  Also, suddenly notice that every fire truck on the street (why are there so many?!) seems to be headed in the general direction of your apartment building.


Step 5: Breathe a (Cautious) Sigh of Relief
When you return home to find a stone-cold straightener in the closet, be cautious in your sense of relief -- you really never know when or where this potential disaster could strike again.  Afterwards, when you realize how sweaty you've become from all this rushing around, go to put your hair up into a ponytail, only to find a mass of curly, frizzy strands atop your head.  Because, you didn't straighten your hair today.