Monday, January 30, 2012

A Letter to My Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My best friend Alicia recently had a beautiful baby girl, who, despite my pleading, was not named "Ouagadougou" or "Racecar," but rather "Eleanor."  I guess there's always next time.

I'd like to start teaching Baby E some important life lessons now, while she's too young to question anything I say.  I feel that these lessons will help her develop into the stoic, rational, and sensible person I myself have become...

A Letter to my Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My Dearest Eleanor,

There are a lot of life lessons I hope to impart in the coming years, but none as important as this: "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is real.

Be suspicious when a property management company tells you that a particular studio apartment is "basically like a 1-bedroom."  They're lying.  If you had a 1-bedroom, you'd be able to entertain guests comfortably without someone's shoes touching your pillow.

Making everything from scratch seems neat, but wouldn't you rather just buy a box of dry pasta from the store?

Any product that claims to be "0% of the fat, but 100% of the flavor" is complete crap.  Nothing without fat is as good as its fatty alternative.  Well, except for spray butter.  That stuff is awesome.

Never, ever go to grad school.  Just kidding.  Go to grad school, then question why you chose that particular field of study, then think longingly about all the other ways you could have spent $100,000, then go to law school.

Oral health is extremely important. But ignore the insurance company when they tell you that your plan doesn't include dental.  It does.  They just want you to spend an extra $11 per pay period on additional dental coverage that you'll never need -- unless you eat a lot of Laughy Taffy. Or Sour Patch Kids.  Oooo, or Jolly Ranchers.  Ok fine, buy the extra $11 worth of dental.

Some people just fundamentally do not know how to share a sidewalk, and no amount of glaring or exasperated sighing will change that.

Generic 'Diet Cola" is a busted double of Diet Coke.  And generic earbuds will fall apart after, like, 10 uses.  But generic Advil?  Every bit as good as real Advil.

When your birthday falls on a Saturday, it can feel like a lot of pressure.  So, embrace it by forcing everyone to go to that learn-to-line-dance class you've been wanting to try.

If the cable repair person arrives four hours late for your scheduled appointment, don't take your anger out on him/her.  Instead, call the cable company's 1-800 number and threaten to switch to their 'competitor' without naming who that particular 'competitor' is, even if there is no 'competitor' in your area.  Just sound confident and forceful, and demand a plan that is $20 less, before taxes.  It will never work, but you'll feel better knowing you tried.

Love Always,
Aunt Carrie


  1. Thank you for teaching her the important stuff so I don't have to!

  2. I'm just glad to have an open platform to espouse my views! Who knew goddaughters could serve such an amazing purpose! xoxo

  3. I want a "good advice to my ex-youth director" letter, after reading this.