Friday, December 2, 2011

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster

I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about all the disasters that could befall me, and then neurotically worrying about their consequences.  I think we can all agree that this is time well spent.

But what good is neurosis if you can't share it with friends?  In that spirit, I present the first in a series of guides on how to avoid potential disasters.  In this edition I have provided you with a few simple steps to avoiding one particularly scary disaster: fire by straightening-iron...

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster: Fire by Straightening Iron

Step 1: Panic
Your first, and arguably most crucial step in preventing a straightening-iron-related-disaster is to panic.  Specifically, rack your brain trying to remember whether you turned the straightener off this morning.  You must have.  Isn't today, like, the fourth time this week you've worried about this?  And all four times, you panicked for nothing -- of course you turned it off.  But what if you didn't?  What if this time was different??  Ohmygod, you didn't turn it off.  You didn't turn it off, and now a fire is about to destroy your entire apartment building.

Step 2: Alienate Those Around You
Momentarily feel a sense of hope, as you wonder aloud whether your straightening iron can turn itself off.  Because, somehow, after experiencing this exact same freak-out day after day, you've never actually looked on the device or done any amount of research to see whether it has an automatic shut-off function.  Then, furiously rebuff anyone nearby who tries to reassuringly suggest that "most devices nowadays do."  They've never even seen your straightening iron, how dare they try to blindly comfort you!!

Step 3: Forget Crucial Details
Next, develop some sort of inexplicable, short-term memory loss.  You definitely used your straightening iron this morning, that much is certain.  However, your mind is a complete blank from the time you plugged it in until the alleged "turning off" of the device.  Which is weird, because you remember, in great detail, everything else about this morning -- including those hideous outfits that Hoda and Kathie Lee were wearing on the Today Show.

Step 4: Flee
Your only real option is to immediately run outside, hail a taxi, and rush home.  No matter where you are or what you're doing.  What if your entire apartment is aflame?!  Wouldn't you feel bad about all those children and puppies rendered homeless by your blatant disregard for life and property??  Also, suddenly notice that every fire truck on the street (why are there so many?!) seems to be headed in the general direction of your apartment building.

Step 5: Breathe a (Cautious) Sigh of Relief
When you return home to find a stone-cold straightener in the closet, be cautious in your sense of relief -- you really never know when or where this potential disaster could strike again.  Afterwards, when you realize how sweaty you've become from all this rushing around, go to put your hair up into a ponytail, only to find a mass of curly, frizzy strands atop your head.  Because, you didn't straighten your hair today.


  1. Everything is fine, unless you leave the straightening iron on Keisha's carpet. Then you're a thoughtless jerk.

  2. Love it. Granted, I don't use a straightener- but an iron is the same thing. But I have learned- our iron does turn itself off at some point! =)