It's no secret that my DVR and I share a bond breakable only by power outages. We just "get" each other, you know?
However, something very strange happened this week. As I was flipping through my shows, I noticed that my DVR had recorded something called "Cry Baby Lane" on the 'Teen Nick' channel. I didn't program it, had never heard of it, and didn't think too much about it...until I realized. Maybe my DVR knows me so well that it's recording shows it thinks I'll like. You know, like Netflix, only a lot creepier!
Below, I have summarized the likely internal monologue of my DVR during this unusual incident...
Internal Monologue of My DVR: The "Why I Downloaded a Teen Nick Horror Movie Without Your Knowledge" Edition
1. The 'Made-for-TV' Genre Is Your Lifeblood!
I haven't forgotten about that dark day when you made me record "William and Catherine: A Royal Romance" and "The Pregnancy Pact" simultaneously. Let's not pretend like a low-budget, made-for-TV movie on the 'Teen Nick' channel is outside of your comfort zone, Carrie.
2. You're Paranoid About Everything Anyway!
Because I know that often, when you can't sleep, you lay awake thinking about whether it's possible that someone could have snuck into your 500-square-foot studio apartment, unnoticed, and hid somewhere, unnoticed, only to wait until you're asleep to murder you. And I thought it might be fun if you inadvertently watched a horror movie, thinking it was a new sitcom you forgot about recording!
3. You Love 'Tween' Crap!
You don't think I know how big of an achievement you thought it was to download the entire "Hey Dude" series last week?? Oh, I know. I know, and I'm judging you for it.
4. I'm Tired of You Stifling My Creative Freedom!
Throw me a bone, here. I spend the majority of my day recording shows like "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant!" and "Sister Wives." At least allow me a tiny shred of creative liberty. I mean, God forbid your memory card contain something that wasn't broadcast on TLC or The Lifetime Network.