Photo Hunt Wednesday

I recently purchased a space heater online, because both my office and my core body temperature seem to run cold.  However, there's something strange about this particular space heater...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: This is not a space heater, Carrie.  This is a fan.  Which will not solve your problem of being too cold.  In fact, it will make that problem much, much worse.  But don't let that prevent you from opening the box, throwing away the receipt, plugging the fan in, turning it on, and letting it run for a few minutes, because "maybe it needs to warm up?" Then elicit laughter from nearby office-mates when you use curse words they've never heard you use before.

An Open Letter to My Credit Card Statement

Dear Branch Bank & Trust,

Mistakes were made, I’ll admit that.  But regret is a two-way street, and you shouldn’t have given me an increased credit limit if you didn’t want me to spend it, in its entirety, at Bed Bath & Beyond.

Look, I realize that fiscal responsibility is a crucial component of financial independence, but did you realize that Soda Stream was named the 2011 Product of the Year by “PB&J Mom”?  And, in the long run, it is much more cost-effective for me to make my own carbonated water and mix it with $10-per-bottle syrups that taste just as good as any generic soda on the market.  Can’t you at least try to understand that?

Credit is a funny thing.  At first, you promise to allow me the freedom to make my own purchasing decisions without question, but once I reach the dollar limit, you yank all of that away.  Now, I don’t pretend to be an expert in macroeconomics – I was an anthropology major in college.  However, I do understand basic mathematics, and I can tell you that buying something that was originally priced at $100, but is now marked down to $84, with a 20%-off-coupon, means that I’m saving almost $33 on an item that I will very probably use within the next calendar year.

In today’s era of tightening our belts and becoming more resource-savvy, I think it’s equally important to make sure that the items we purchase can withstand the test of time.  Which is why I chose that brand-name stand mixer instead of the cheaper, very-highly-reviewed alternative.  I know that the additional $300 cost might look ridiculous on paper, but that’s only because I haven’t had the chance to read the instruction manual, which is surprisingly detailed.

Nevertheless, thanks to your thoughtful emails, letters, and phone calls, I have developed a plan for getting my finances in order, which is as follows:

1. Call my parents and cry;

2. Stop having fun;

3. Pay the minimum required amount each month;

4. Cry when I realize that, by paying the minimum required amount each month, my minimum payment amount actually increases.

It is my firm belief that, by employing these four easy steps, I will be well on my way to a debt-free lifestyle within the next eight-to-nine years, assuming I make absolutely no purchases whatsoever in that same timeframe.

Thanks again for the phone calls!

Sincerely,

Carrie             (Account #42    )

Reality Check

me:   I'm so tired of these stupid sinus infections.  I think I've been on 10 different antibiotics since January!
b:      so, does that mean we can't market you as 'organic'?
me:   [try not to laugh, try not to laugh, doesn't she know how serious this is?? ok, laugh]

Photo Hunt Friday

The new Coca-Cola winter-themed cans are here!  And just in time for the holidays!  However, I've noticed something strange about this year's designs...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: If I accidentally buy one more can of regular Coke because the seasonal can looks exactly like the seasonal Diet Coke can, I am going to write a strongly-worded letter to those polar bears to tell them what's up.  I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who once said "In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death, taxes, and the fact that regular Coke cans are red."

Thanksgiving Recipes for the Modern, Single Lady

It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving is almost here!  It seems like just yesterday I was taking long summer walks on the beach, strolling hand-in-hand with my ruggedly handsome boyfriend, watching our graceful golden retrievers playfully splash around in the water, snuggling up to each other as we watched the sun set over southern California.  Oh wait, that was the Nicholas Sparks Miley Cyrus movie "The Last Song" I just watched on Netflix instant.

In any event, Thanksgiving is a time to stop and reflect upon what we're thankful for, and look excitedly toward the rest of the holiday season.  Of course, Thanksgiving is also a time for delicious food, typically of the traditional holiday variety.  However, as a young, single lady in the big city, it's been important for me to develop my own sense of tradition.  And so, this year I have decided to spice things up a bit, incorporating both classic and modern flavors into my Thanksgiving menu.

With that, I give you a few recipes that might help make your holiday a little more special.  It is my sincere hope that at least one of these "modern, single lady" dishes finds a place on your own Thanksgiving spread...

Thanksgiving Recipes for the Modern, Single Lady


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Skillet Cornbread
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
Stale, Store-Bought French Bread
Recipe:
Tell everyone that you'll take care of the bread for "Friendsgiving," because you read on Paula Dean's website that the easiest part of a meal to make is bread, and there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that you're going to be the sucker who gets stuck making green bean casserole.  Then realize that, by making Paula Dean's "sweet potato biscuits," you're basically turning mashed potatoes into bread, which is going to require you to finally buy an electric mixer.  When you get to Target, peruse the grocery section for nothing in particular, until it dawns on you that you could just buy bread and arrange it on a platter to look like you made it.  Leave Target without an electric mixer, but with a loaf of stale French bread, because that was the only thing they had that didn't expire yesterday.  When you get home, open a bottle of red wine and put your feet up - you deserve it, what with all the physical and emotional energy you've put into making the bread.


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Spiced, Mulled Apple Cider
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
Straight Vodka
Recipe:

While you would really love to make spiced, mulled apple cider, who are you kidding.  You don't own a crock pot, and there's really no way you're going to muster enough energy to 'boil' anything.  So, instead, tell your friends to each bring over some juice or tonic, and you'll provide the alcohol.  Which basically means that you'll set your half-full bottles of Smirnoff and London Dry on the counter, with some Hanukkah-themed paper cups from last year's 75%-off holiday-clearance-section.  On your way home from work, don't forget to stop by the 'Supermercado,' since you can't be bothered to walk a whole two blocks out of your way to go to Safeway.  Choose items in the snack aisle that have pictures closest resembling potato chips, only to realize, after you get home, that you just bought four bags of dried, baked plantains.


Traditional Thanksgiving Dish:

Pumpkin Pie
Modern, Single Lady Dish:
1/2 Tupperware of Puppy Chow
Recipe:
Announce to your co-workers that tomorrow you're going to bring in Puppy Chow, to celebrate Thanksgiving and the shortened work week!  When they look at you quizzically, explain that 'Puppy Chow' is just another name for 'Muddy Buddies'!  When they continue to stare at you with what can only be described as confused pity, sigh and exasperatedly mutter "the recipe is on the side of the Chex box, come on!"  When no one seems particularly excited or enthusiastic, be silently confident that you'll "show them."  After you finish making a triple batch of Puppy Chow, think about what a mistake it was to skip lunch today, since you really don't have anything in your fridge or pantry.  Take out a tiny, dainty glass bowl and fill it with a few pieces of Puppy Chow to eat while you watch TV and think about what you could make for dinner.  At 10:00pm, realize that you have eaten, straight from the Tupperware, almost an entire Chex-box-worth of Puppy Chow.  When you take that same half-eaten Tupperware into work, become enraged when your co-workers look into the container and say, "You made Monkey Munch!  I used to love that stuff as a kid!"

Carrie's Record Book

I'm a football fan.  But please, let's just keep this between us.  I prefer to let people think that I have no interests outside of reality television whatsoever.

One thing I particularly love about football is the thrill of breaking 'records.'  Like this one, from last week's Denver Broncos win against the New York Jets...

"Tim Tebow had the longest game-winning touchdown, run by a quarterback, in the final minute of the 4th quarter, in NFL history"

I didn't realize records could be so incredibly specific!  Based on this standard, every day of my life has record-breaking potential!  Below are some of my most recent accomplishments...

Carrie's Record Book
Most consecutive days spent trying to convince the lady at Starbucks to re-stock the 31-ounce, 'trenta-sized' coffee cups, while simultaneously purchasing a 20-ounce Diet Mountain Dew

Longest distance traveled, on foot, to watch the fourth Twilight movie, at 7pm on a Friday night

Smallest proportion of correctly-spelled words in an email, even after looking almost everything up on www.dictionary.com

Shortest amount of time between telling oneself to eat healthier and buying a 'party size' bag of pretzel-cheddar Combos

Highest t-shirt-to-blouse ratio of any wardrobe of a 27-year-old with a job and a Masters degree

Largest amount of puppy chow consumed in a single-sitting, on a faux leather couch, while watching a marathon of TLC's Sister Wives

Most time spent deciding between Advil PM and liquid melatonin to maintain a consistent, 10:00pm bedtime on 'school nights'

Words with Co-Workers

me: I just went to the cafeteria for a banana.  While I was down there, I decided to get a muffin.  When I got back upstairs, I realized I only remembered the muffin.

E: Hey, it happens!  Just as long as it doesn't change our FroYo plans.

me: Um, no.  In fact, it probably makes my resolve to eat FroYo even stronger.  Also: I'm joining the work gym

E: omg. what happened??

me: I just feel gross, and guilty for not working out ever.  The mysterious way that every single pair of my jeans seems to be shrinking doesn't help.

E: You know what's annoying?  Living with someone who eats literally whatever he wants, and is a stick.

me: Guys are so lucky.

E: Yeah, the days that I don't bring lunch, I always get a salad.  And he's like "oh, I'm really full - I had a bacon blue cheese burger and a milkshake for lunch."

me: That would be an instant weight gain of 15 pounds for me.

E: And sometimes he buys containers of whole milk at the grocery store just to drink.  JUST TO DRINK.


Recap:
- Guys are so lucky.
- Ladies are stuck eating salad forever.