Diet Coke Substitutes

It's been exactly five weeks since I gave up Diet Coke, and I've learned all kinds of valuable lessons along the way.

For instance: did you know that not a damn person wants to take that 12 pack of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke that I have sitting in my kitchen off my hands?  And, did you know that EVERY PLACE EVER now has fountain soda???  Even places that NEVER EVER had fountain soda when I could drink fountain soda, which I know because it's my MOST FAVORITE THING??

But, I digress.  The most important lesson I've learned in all of this, is that there are several suitable substitutes for Diet Coke if you look close enough.  And, with that, I give you some of my own favorites...


   Diet Coke Substitutes

1. Tears

2. (Just kidding!  Alcohol!)

3. Tiny, busted packets of fruit-flavored powder

4. Seltzer, mixed with equal parts orange juice and bitterness

5. Judgment of those who drink Diet Coke

6. Contempt for those who drink Diet Coke in my presence

7. Aggression towards those who make me stop with them to "grab a quick Diet Coke"

8. Begging, pleading, bargaining

9. Ugh, fine. Water.