Things I Learned in Colonial Williamsburg

I visited Colonial Williamsburg over the weekend.  In addition to answering the follow-up question of "Oh God, why?" from everyone I've told, I have spent the majority of today reflecting on the valuable lessons I learned during my trip...

Things I Learned in Colonial Williamsburg

They retired Felicity!

Apparently, taking pictures of other people's children in period costumes is considered "inappropriate"

If I'm ever on the show "Hoarders," it will be, in large part, due to my collection of souvenir koozies

A silent 'e' can (nay, should!) be added to the end of every word

Relatedly, everything tastes better when it comes from an Olde Tyme Shoppe

My new least favorite accent is "Southerner impersonating Colonial-era Irish immigrant"

Colonial Williamsburg is: having a little boy in a tiny tricorne hat point a wooden toy gun at you from his stroller

A Letter to My Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My best friend Alicia recently had a beautiful baby girl, who, despite my pleading, was not named "Ouagadougou" or "Racecar," but rather "Eleanor."  I guess there's always next time.

I'd like to start teaching Baby E some important life lessons now, while she's too young to question anything I say.  I feel that these lessons will help her develop into the stoic, rational, and sensible person I myself have become...

A Letter to my Goddaughter, Age 4 Months

My Dearest Eleanor,

There are a lot of life lessons I hope to impart in the coming years, but none as important as this: "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is real.

Be suspicious when a property management company tells you that a particular studio apartment is "basically like a 1-bedroom."  They're lying.  If you had a 1-bedroom, you'd be able to entertain guests comfortably without someone's shoes touching your pillow.

Making everything from scratch seems neat, but wouldn't you rather just buy a box of dry pasta from the store?

Any product that claims to be "0% of the fat, but 100% of the flavor" is complete crap.  Nothing without fat is as good as its fatty alternative.  Well, except for spray butter.  That stuff is awesome.

Never, ever go to grad school.  Just kidding.  Go to grad school, then question why you chose that particular field of study, then think longingly about all the other ways you could have spent $100,000, then go to law school.

Oral health is extremely important. But ignore the insurance company when they tell you that your plan doesn't include dental.  It does.  They just want you to spend an extra $11 per pay period on additional dental coverage that you'll never need -- unless you eat a lot of Laughy Taffy. Or Sour Patch Kids.  Oooo, or Jolly Ranchers.  Ok fine, buy the extra $11 worth of dental.

Some people just fundamentally do not know how to share a sidewalk, and no amount of glaring or exasperated sighing will change that.

Generic 'Diet Cola" is a busted double of Diet Coke.  And generic earbuds will fall apart after, like, 10 uses.  But generic Advil?  Every bit as good as real Advil.

When your birthday falls on a Saturday, it can feel like a lot of pressure.  So, embrace it by forcing everyone to go to that learn-to-line-dance class you've been wanting to try.

If the cable repair person arrives four hours late for your scheduled appointment, don't take your anger out on him/her.  Instead, call the cable company's 1-800 number and threaten to switch to their 'competitor' without naming who that particular 'competitor' is, even if there is no 'competitor' in your area.  Just sound confident and forceful, and demand a plan that is $20 less, before taxes.  It will never work, but you'll feel better knowing you tried.

Love Always,
Aunt Carrie

How to Get a Husband

I had a real breakthrough last night.  While watching the critically-acclaimed television documentary "The Bachelor" for the first time, I had an "Aha!" moment.  Specifically, this program has developed some real 'best practices' for the art, nay science, of getting a husband, which I fully intend to use in my own life...

How to Get a Husband

Step 1: Threaten Violence Against Other Ladies

Step 2: Use a Fictitious Job Title

Step 3: Wear Some Sort of Low-Cut Onesie

Step 4: Employ the Liberal Use of F-Bombs













Step 5: Drink Heavily (but Remember to Eat Nothing)

Step 6: Cry in an Interview Room

Step 7: Cry in a Luggage Room

Step 8:  Pass Out












*all photos courtesy of www.abc.com

Words with Inanimate Objects

Today, I learned a lot of valuable lessons.  Like, there are places in this world where Burger King signs have religious overtones.  And, when in rural Florida, one must accept the fact that there is no such thing as a non-country-radio-station.

Perhaps most importantly, though, I learned that, given 17 hours of solitary car time, there's really no telling what I'll do...

Words with Inanimate Objects

GPS: continue on interstate 95 for 590 miles

me: ohmygod, 590 miles on the same road?!

GPS: [silence]

me: well, I guess I'll just try to limit my stops to get there faster.

GPS: [silence]

me: Ooo, there's a Dairy Queen Brazier at the next exit!!

GPS: [judgmental silence]

Reality Check: The Flip Flop Edition

I went to an actual doctor last week, which made me kinda feel like I was cheating on Dr. Google.  But, I thought I had a stress fracture, and I needed some human guidance.

My hometown doctor is wonderful.  She really knows when to provide me with the reality checks that my paranoia hypochondria overly-cautious attitude requires.


Reality Check -- The Flip Flop Edition
me: so, I think I have a stress fracture in my right foot.
dr: [prods my foot]
me: ouch!
dr: that's not a stress fracture, it's probably just an over-use injury.  Do you walk a lot?
me: yes.  I actually walk to work a few times per week, which is like 4 miles.
dr: in what kind of shoes?
me: ohhh, it varies.  Usually flip-flops if it's not freezing out.
dr: oh my God.  flip flops??  NEVER walk that kind of distance in flip flops!
me: why not?!
dr: because they have no foot support.  And, because you don't live in the developing world.

recap:
Apparently, though I find the reasoning suspect, flip flops are not all-terrain footwear.

How to Attend a Holiday Party

Holiday parties have been in full swing for a couple weeks now, so I thought it was time I shared a few useful lessons that I've learned, to help make party-going a bit smoother.

It's taken me quite a while to develop what I consider to be "best practices."  But I think I've finally reached the point where I achieve each of these steps, in order, at every single holiday party I attend.  Not only do I consider this a feat of incredible merit, it should also be reason enough to invite me to your next gathering...

How to Attend a Holiday Party

1. Do Not RSVP
You are much too busy watching TLC reality television and taking Advil PM every night to bother with things like "letting friends know you can make it" to their holiday party.  It's not like having a head-count is crucial for food/drink preparation or space considerations.  No, you should let your presence be a surprise!  When you ring the apartment buzzer, you really want to hear a mixture of confusion and disdain when the host greets you with an "Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I guess. Umm. Come on up?"


2. Dress Inappropriately
The next step has taken me years to perfect, so really take your time with this one.  Specifically, over-analyze all possible outfit options, decide you have nothing to wear, go to Target to buy something new, bring it home, realize it doesn't fit because you didn't try it on at the store, and then cry.  Next, try to think about what this party's dress code was last year, maybe that will help!  You definitely remember it being more on the casual side, so throw on jeans, and congratulate yourself on locating within your closet a cute, seasonally appropriate top.  When you arrive at the party to find what appears to be a scene out of the board-game "Clue," realize that you didn't go to this party last year.  Because, if you had, you'd probably remember the ball gowns.  Ohmygod, is that guy wearing an ascot??


3. Attend "Solo" Because You Don't Have a "Boyfriend"
See: every blog post I've ever written.


4. Anger the Neighbors
This one should be relatively easy -- because, who are you kidding.  You didn't bother reading the entire 'Evite' to get the exact address, so of course you're going to knock on the wrong door.


5. Arrive Empty-Handed
That long, Saturday evening nap you took was timed exactly right -- you woke up 10 minutes after both the liquor store and Target had closed.  So, go ahead and forget about bringing a host(ess) gift or the traditional bottle of wine.  Instead, rummage through your cabinets for that canvass-wine-holder you bought for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, fill it with 6 bottles of miscellaneous, "Lite" beers, and meekly smile when everyone looks disparagingly at your contribution to the party.  It also helps if, when the host points you in the direction of the kitchen for a bottle opener, you laugh and pull out that key-chain-bottle-opener you always carry, exclaiming, "no need -- I brought my own!"


6. Talk to No One
Mutter to no one in particular: "how are there so many people here?!"  Next, do a quick mental calculation of how many people would be at your hypothetical holiday party, were you to invite absolutely everyone you knew, and absolutely everyone showed up. When it adds up to roughly 1/10 of the people in this room, feel self-conscious. Then immediately proceed to Step #7.


7. Eat All the Cookies
Hey, no one was eating anything anyway!  I mean, look at some of these people, they're like, H&M-model-skinny.  No, this food is meant for you, and you alone.  So, fill up on an assortment of cookies, until the reinforced paper plate literally bends under the added weight.  Don't bother with a napkin -- you want to be forced to use your shirt sleeve to wipe away the powdered sugar that is somehow all over everything, even though powdered sugar wasn't an ingredient in anything you ate.  When, at some point in the evening, someone makes a loud, passive aggressive comment about how all the cookies are gone, innocently join the rest of the guests as they survey the room looking for the 'culprit.'


8. Leave Early
After completing steps 1-7, leave the party -- ideally around 10pm, since you have a busy day of sleeping-in tomorrow.  You want to be nice and rested for your Sunday-Thai-take-out-for-dinner plans!  But, first, on your walk back to the bus stop, think about how much you enjoy this time of year.  The dressing up, the meeting new people, the seasonal treats.  Be silently confident in your ability to 'kill it' at every party you attend, and excitedly anticipate the many more invites you'll no doubt receive this time next year.

How Chipotle is Helping You Live Longer

Yesterday, I received the best-worst news ever.  Chipotle. now. has. brown. rice.

How could this happen?  How could they do this to me??  Don't they know that I'll use any excuse to consider something "healthy"?!  Like that time I found out dark chocolate can help lower your blood pressure???

I suppose there's no going back, so instead I've chosen to make lemonade out of this situation.  Did you know that brown rice has lots and lots of health benefits?  You can find out more here.  In the meantime, I've summarized the ways in which this latest development will improve my overall state of health and well-being.

You're a fickle friend, Chipotle.  A fickle, fickle friend.

How Chipotle is Helping You Live Longer (all thanks to Brown Rice)

1. Brown Rice Reduces Cholesterol
You know that half-pound of shredded cheese they always put on your burrito, despite your request for "just a little bit of cheese"?  Well, with brown rice instead of white rice, you don't even need to reduce the cheese!  In fact, you should ask for more cheese!  And, instead of using a fork to scoop up all that extra cheese, order a side of chips!

2. Brown Rice Helps with Type 2 Diabetes Maintenance
Which means that, after Chipotle, you can go next door to that fancy bakery and get an "oatmeal-cream-cookie-sandwich" for dessert without feeling guilty!

3. Brown Rice Can Aid Cancer Prevention
I'm not really sure how this all works, or how brown rice aids cancer prevention - I was a Political Science major in college.  But what I suspect this means is that you should probably go to Chipotle 3-4 times a week, especially now that they opened one right across the street from your apartment.

4. Brown Rice Can Aid Cardiovascular Disease Prevention
To translate this into layman's terms, after you eat your one-pound-burrito-bowl, you really don't need to go to the gym or do any form of physical exercise.  Because the brown rice is doing all of that for you!

Things I Learned in Brooklyn

I was in New York this weekend to visit a friend who's probably too cool for me, but keeps being my friend anyway.  He's leaving Brooklyn soon to take up residence on that other coast, and I will miss him dearly.

BUT! Brooklyn was amazing.  We did all those lovely autumnal New York activities that kind of make you wish you could forever live in autumnal New York (but not that Winona Ryder version).  They included, in no particular order: brunches, flea markets, promenades, urban hiking, olde fashioned candy, and several life lessons...

Things I Learned in Brooklyn

1.  How unfashionable I am

2.  There is a market for tiny, tiny metal stools

3.  By living in an urban brownstone, you are legally required to display an artistic-but-elegant floor lamp in your front window

4.  How to say "perilous to human life" in Spanish

5.  LED light shows that require epilepsy warnings can coexist, side-by-side, with children's carnival carousels

6.  There are places in this world where taxis take credit cards

7.  Chukka boots come in baby sizes

8.  Choosing a Saturday afternoon wedding in a public park = Choosing to let strangers take pictures of you with their iPhones and openly judge your choice of bridesmaid dresses

Things We Learned from Hurricane Irene

About a week and a half ago, we were visited by a fickle, fickle friend. Her name was Irene, and like most unwelcomed house-guests, she chucked tree branches at our cars, and forced us to buy groceries we otherwise wouldn't have (really, Carrie? banana crunch cereal and 2 loaves of white bread?). Here are some of the most valuable lessons that Irene taught us...

1. When in doubt about possible power outages, pre-emptively eat all frozen goods just to be on the safe side.

2. You know what? Go ahead and eat all refrigerated goods too. You know, just to be safe.

3. When your power doesn't actually go out, take solace in the fact that your empty refrigerator and freezer are an indication of your level of hurricane preparedness.

4. If you have a boyfriend, hurricanes are a great opportunity to spend some quality, one-on-one time together without distractions.

5. If you don't have a boyfriend, hurricanes are a great opportunity to watch every episode of The Tudors with commentary.

6. When your friends invite you to an "Awesome Hurricane Partay!" tell them that you should probably stay home to secure your valuables outside, even though you live in a 5th floor studio apartment.

7. One Advil PM will help you sleep through wind gusts.

8. Three Advil PMs will cause you to hallucinate halfway through the night, thinking those gusts of wind are angry birds chomping their way through your mesh window screen.