A Mini Weekend Recap

Here's the thing about medicine cabinets.

Sometimes everything is so jam-packed on the shelves, and bottles can all look a little similar, and liquids that are the same color can be mistaken for other liquids that are probably safer to use for the particular problem you're trying to solve.

Which is how I ended up applying nail polish remover to my eyelashes yesterday afternoon.

How was YOUR weekend?  Do any accidental chemical experiments??

The Lizzie McGuire Diet

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Today, I'm giving up pop.  Or soda, depending on your regional loyalties.  Well wishes are appreciated, but jokes about my Diet Coke addiction are appreciated even more.

Some of you are probably asking yourselves why you should care I've chosen to take this drastic step.  To answer that question, I'll cite one of my first pop-related revelations.  It was a Hilary Duff interview, which aired in 2005 on that beacon of hard-hitting television journalism, The View.

Fast forward to about 5:00...



WHAT?!  What do you mean diet soda makes you heavier??  It has no sugar and zero calories -- how is that even possible??

I immediately discredited her -- mostly because, up until this point, her most notable role was as tweenager Lizzie McGuire in the Disney Channel sitcom, masterfully titled "Lizzie McGuire."  Besides that one episode where Lizzie goes on a camping trip with her biology class, how much could she possibly know about science?

Yet, I couldn't get this out of my mind.  Even today, 7 years later, this interview still haunts me.  So, I've decided to test this hypothesis for myself.  I'm giving up pop.  I'm letting Lizzie McGuire take the wheel.

Incidentally, if this doesn't work out, I'm writing a strongly worded letter to the Disney Channel.

Dangerous Discoveries -- Doctor Google

I have some really, really terrible news.

Today, as I was doing my daily internet search of ailments, I discovered something new on Google -- a sort of WebMD tie-in, whereby one search nets a simple list of everything that is absolutely not likely wrong with you.

Let it be known that today, February 21, was the day that Carrie officially fell into the rabbit hole...

Words with Dentists

I went to the dentist today.  I drink a lot of Diet Coke.  You probably see where this is going...

dr: well, you've got about 5 'trouble zones' that are probably cavities
me: oh.  wow.  that sounds really bad.
dr: and, it looks like your current filings are getting pretty old.
me: ok?
dr: so, you need to come back in July, and we'll assess the situation.
me: [don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry]
dr: you know, the silver lining of all this is that, when we fill these new cavities, it will be time to re-fill all your old ones!  so we can do them all at once!
me: [fake laugh, fake laugh, fake laugh.  ugh, fine. cry.]

recap:
I'm a mess.

Side Effect Review

I was prescribed a new drug for some minor wrist pain I've been having.  And, because I'm neurotic diligent, I Googled its potential side effects.

Which include:  "vomit that looks like coffee grounds."

This made me think, maybe they should also list "secondary side effects" that occur due to a full internet search of the "real side effects."

Which, in this case, include: "crying."

Reality Check: The Flip Flop Edition

I went to an actual doctor last week, which made me kinda feel like I was cheating on Dr. Google.  But, I thought I had a stress fracture, and I needed some human guidance.

My hometown doctor is wonderful.  She really knows when to provide me with the reality checks that my paranoia hypochondria overly-cautious attitude requires.


Reality Check -- The Flip Flop Edition
me: so, I think I have a stress fracture in my right foot.
dr: [prods my foot]
me: ouch!
dr: that's not a stress fracture, it's probably just an over-use injury.  Do you walk a lot?
me: yes.  I actually walk to work a few times per week, which is like 4 miles.
dr: in what kind of shoes?
me: ohhh, it varies.  Usually flip-flops if it's not freezing out.
dr: oh my God.  flip flops??  NEVER walk that kind of distance in flip flops!
me: why not?!
dr: because they have no foot support.  And, because you don't live in the developing world.

recap:
Apparently, though I find the reasoning suspect, flip flops are not all-terrain footwear.

Reality Check

me:   I'm so tired of these stupid sinus infections.  I think I've been on 10 different antibiotics since January!
b:      so, does that mean we can't market you as 'organic'?
me:   [try not to laugh, try not to laugh, doesn't she know how serious this is?? ok, laugh]

Doctor Google: Check-Up

It's been over two months since I last saw my primary care physician, Doctor Google, so I thought it was about time for a check-up...


Doctor Google: Check-Up
You Searched: 
"when I woke up this morning, my wrist kind of hurt"
Internet Diagnosis: 
Did you know that symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis can present themselves in patients as young as 16?  And, despite the fact that this is the first time your wrist has ever hurt like this, you've probably been unknowingly plagued by this serious condition for over 12 years!  Your critical first steps in treatment are:
1) call your mom and cry;
2) take cell phone pictures of your wrist and send them to your mom;
3) call your mom back and exclaim "doesn't that look really bad?!"
When your mom doesn't prove helpful, go ahead and search "rheumatoid arthritis life expectancy" and panic when www.emedicinehealth.com says that "On average, life expectancy is somewhat shorter for people with rheumatoid arthritis than for the general population."


You Searched:
"bags under eyes"
Internet Diagnosis:
Have these bags been accompanied by inexplicable weight loss?  No?  How about inexplicable weight gain?  No again?  Well, inexplicable weight maintenance is the worst of all!!  You definitely have something severe, it's really just a question of what.  Ignore the 99% of websites that tell you differently, and fixate on that one site that said bags under your eyes are a sign of kidney problems.  Weren't you just complaining about minor back pain last month?!  Immediately put yourself on a 'water-only' regimen for about two hours, or until you realize you really, really need a Diet Coke.  Whichever comes first.


You Searched: 
"raspy voice?"
Internet Diagnosis: 
You need to schedule a laryngoscopy immediately.  Which is a flexible tube that goes up your nose, then down into your throat, and is held there until you tell the doctor your eyes are watering, but you're really just crying.  Then they charge you $115.  Make sure you read about people on message boards who have had false-negative test results, because when the ENT tells you there's nothing wrong with you, you're going to need a second opinion.

How Chipotle is Helping You Live Longer

Yesterday, I received the best-worst news ever.  Chipotle. now. has. brown. rice.

How could this happen?  How could they do this to me??  Don't they know that I'll use any excuse to consider something "healthy"?!  Like that time I found out dark chocolate can help lower your blood pressure???

I suppose there's no going back, so instead I've chosen to make lemonade out of this situation.  Did you know that brown rice has lots and lots of health benefits?  You can find out more here.  In the meantime, I've summarized the ways in which this latest development will improve my overall state of health and well-being.

You're a fickle friend, Chipotle.  A fickle, fickle friend.

How Chipotle is Helping You Live Longer (all thanks to Brown Rice)

1. Brown Rice Reduces Cholesterol
You know that half-pound of shredded cheese they always put on your burrito, despite your request for "just a little bit of cheese"?  Well, with brown rice instead of white rice, you don't even need to reduce the cheese!  In fact, you should ask for more cheese!  And, instead of using a fork to scoop up all that extra cheese, order a side of chips!

2. Brown Rice Helps with Type 2 Diabetes Maintenance
Which means that, after Chipotle, you can go next door to that fancy bakery and get an "oatmeal-cream-cookie-sandwich" for dessert without feeling guilty!

3. Brown Rice Can Aid Cancer Prevention
I'm not really sure how this all works, or how brown rice aids cancer prevention - I was a Political Science major in college.  But what I suspect this means is that you should probably go to Chipotle 3-4 times a week, especially now that they opened one right across the street from your apartment.

4. Brown Rice Can Aid Cardiovascular Disease Prevention
To translate this into layman's terms, after you eat your one-pound-burrito-bowl, you really don't need to go to the gym or do any form of physical exercise.  Because the brown rice is doing all of that for you!

Emotional Calorie Counter

Managing your weight can be hard work.  You have to pay attention to every little detail -- like, did I just eat four or five hand-fulls of that "candy corn salted nut roll mix"?

Part of managing weight, of course, is monitoring caloric intake.  However, if you're like me, you get frustrated by all the websites out there that seem to have different calorie counts for the same foods, making it hard to determine the 'right' answer.  It can also be difficult to balance healthy eating and weight management with our emotional well-being, which as we've seen before, are intrinsically linked.

With these things in mind, I've compiled a partial list of feelings, along with rough estimates of their caloric values, which I hope can serve as a useful reference point...

Emotional Calorie Counter

Feeling: Mild Existential Crisis
Value: 1,295 calories
Detailed Breakout:

-- A hearty, balanced breakfast of fruit and cereal: 300 calories
-- What am I doing with my life, I'm so bored and nothing even looks appetizing: 0 calories
-- A full log of herb chèvre, paired with an entire sleeve of Club crackers: 1060 calories
-- Regret, followed by riding the recumbent stationary bike for 19 minutes at 0% incline: -65 calories


Feeling: Stressed OUT
Value: 2,253 calories
Detailed Breakout: 
-- WORK IS SO STRESSFUL, I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING ALL DAY: -125 calories
-- Are you kidding me with this "working late" crap?!: -20 calories
-- Getting home at 9pm, changing from disheveled business casual into workout clothes: -2 calories
-- Not actually working out: 0 calories
-- Eating everything in the freezer: 2,400 calories


Feeling: Everyone is Getting Married and Having Babies Except for Me!!
Value: 4,823 calories
Detailed Breakout: 
-- Homemade White Wine Spritzer, with equal parts White Wine and sparkling water: 45 calories
-- You know what, make that two: 45 calories
-- Laugh-crying while watching videos on http://www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org: -7 calories
-- Screw this busted spritzer, where's that Bacardi I just bought?: 190 calories
-- "Scotcheroos sound really, really awesome right now": 450 calories
-- Deciding to bring some Scotcheroos into work tomorrow: 0 calories
-- DID I EAT THAT ENTIRE PAN OF SCOTCHEROOS?!  Those things are like 90% corn syrup!!: 4,100 calories

Homeopathic Remedies for Your Most Common Ailments

Although I primarily see my physician, Dr. Google, for serious medical issues, I have discovered a number of very effective homeopathic remedies for some of life's most common ailments.  And, never one to keep secret my most fabulous finds, I have decided to share these remedies with all of you - my, literally, hundreds tens of blog followers!

Homeopathic Remedies for Your Most Common Ailments

Ailment: Joint pain, especially in the hands
Remedy: Well, first off, definitely keep typing.  Particularly if it's useless, work-related typing that will never be seen by anyone ever.  When you're done with that, cry a little bit, and then vow to buy an ergonomic-keyboard-hand-rest, until you find out those things are like $40, then curse the day you started working in an office without proper office supplies, then cry a little bit more.  If that doesn't work, try yoga!  What's particularly helpful is hearing your instructor disdainfully say "for those of you who sit at a desk all day, your muscles are probably so tight that this position will be nearly impossible."

Ailment: General malaise
Remedy: Our bodies and our minds are so intrinsically linked that even the slightest change to our eating or exercise habits can have major impacts on our emotional state.  Since, out of the complete blue, you jogged on the treadmill for 12 minutes yesterday, it's probably wise to stop doing that.  There's no reason to shock your body into such intense physical activity so suddenly.  Rather, try easing into a new routine.  Next week, instead of actually jogging, just bring your gym bag to work, tell yourself you're going to work out, and then go home and change into your comfy pants.  It's all about the baby steps. 

Ailment: Mild dizziness
Remedy: Dizziness is certainly nothing to mess around with, and can be a symptom of something very serious.  But, before seeking professional advice, try to make small changes to your daily habits - again, you don't want to shock your body into something drastically different.  Start by weening yourself off your usual 6-7 Diet Cokes per day, and slowly substituting it with healthier alternatives.  For example, Diet Mountain Dew packs 1.5 times the amount of caffeine as colas, without any added sugar or calories.  You really want to stay away from too much sugar, so replacing it with synthetic, chemical substances like aspartame is your best bet.

Ailment: Headaches before bed
Remedy: The first question you should ask yourself is whether these headaches generally occur at the same time.  For instance, if you always seem to get headaches on Tuesday nights, consider whether there's anything in your Tuesday routine that could be causing the problem.  Think outside-the-box, because, remember - the body is a complex machine!  Rather than assume today's headache is the result of coming home, eating everything in your fridge, watching the new "19 Kids and Counting," then pretending to read literature while you're really just passively watching last week's "19 Kids and Counting" rerun; think creatively!  Maybe your Tuesday headaches are brought on by the amount of stress you're under.  So, start by taking two Advil PMs and gently rubbing your temples, while mumbling something about having a 'really, really hard day.'

Doctor Google

You Searched:

"blood shot left eye + small red mark on shoulder"

Internet Diagnosis:

Wow, it's lucky you caught this in time, and linked together these seemingly unrelated symptoms.  Have you ever Google Image-searched "purpura"?  Because seeing pictures of severe cases will convince you that you have it.  And then you should cry.

You Searched:

"my legs itch after showers"

Internet Diagnosis:

"Aquagenic Pruritis": a severe skin disease that will require expensive creams and several trips to the dermatologist.  You should probably also read blogs about other people who think they have this disorder, to both alleviate and heighten your concern.

You Searched:
"really tired?"

Internet Diagnosis:

Well, it's definitely cancer.  Or organ failure.  But something really serious.  Have you had a CT scan?  Oh, your insurance doesn't cover CT scans?  Well you need one anyway.  You should make an appointment with a specialist right now.  In fact, while you're Yelp-ing "Best cheapest cancer doctor DC?", you should probably also Google Map directions to the Mayo Clinic just to be prepared.