Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

Our world is full of beautiful imagery, and this week reminded me that inspiration can truly be found in the most unlikely of places.  In that spirit, I present my very first photo essay, taken while visiting my parents in Florida.  I hope you enjoy these spectacular images, which I think you'll agree are near National Geographic caliber...

Photo Essay: Things You'll Find at a Florida Flea Market

1. Beautiful Home Decor

2. Elegant Patio Accessories

3. Dental Equipment

4. Sophisticated Ladies' Apparel

5. Handsome Gentlemen's Apparel

6. Specially-Designed Restrooms for 'Large Ladies'

7. My Dad, who can next be seen on the new A&E series, Flea Market Hoarders

Photo Hunt - Christmas Edition

Merry Christmas to Everyone!!  In honor of this special day, I present a holiday-themed Photo Hunt...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: nothing.  In fact, everything in this picture is exactly as it should be.  Receiving 12 Bed Bath & Beyond coupons for Christmas is so, so right.  They never expire!  And there was even one "20% off your entire purchase" coupon tucked in there -- it was a Christmas miracle!  And, the fact that my family knew this was the perfect gift for me?  That's just further proof that I will never have a boyfriend ever they know me too well.

How to Attend a Holiday Party

Holiday parties have been in full swing for a couple weeks now, so I thought it was time I shared a few useful lessons that I've learned, to help make party-going a bit smoother.

It's taken me quite a while to develop what I consider to be "best practices."  But I think I've finally reached the point where I achieve each of these steps, in order, at every single holiday party I attend.  Not only do I consider this a feat of incredible merit, it should also be reason enough to invite me to your next gathering...

How to Attend a Holiday Party

1. Do Not RSVP
You are much too busy watching TLC reality television and taking Advil PM every night to bother with things like "letting friends know you can make it" to their holiday party.  It's not like having a head-count is crucial for food/drink preparation or space considerations.  No, you should let your presence be a surprise!  When you ring the apartment buzzer, you really want to hear a mixture of confusion and disdain when the host greets you with an "Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I guess. Umm. Come on up?"


2. Dress Inappropriately
The next step has taken me years to perfect, so really take your time with this one.  Specifically, over-analyze all possible outfit options, decide you have nothing to wear, go to Target to buy something new, bring it home, realize it doesn't fit because you didn't try it on at the store, and then cry.  Next, try to think about what this party's dress code was last year, maybe that will help!  You definitely remember it being more on the casual side, so throw on jeans, and congratulate yourself on locating within your closet a cute, seasonally appropriate top.  When you arrive at the party to find what appears to be a scene out of the board-game "Clue," realize that you didn't go to this party last year.  Because, if you had, you'd probably remember the ball gowns.  Ohmygod, is that guy wearing an ascot??


3. Attend "Solo" Because You Don't Have a "Boyfriend"
See: every blog post I've ever written.


4. Anger the Neighbors
This one should be relatively easy -- because, who are you kidding.  You didn't bother reading the entire 'Evite' to get the exact address, so of course you're going to knock on the wrong door.


5. Arrive Empty-Handed
That long, Saturday evening nap you took was timed exactly right -- you woke up 10 minutes after both the liquor store and Target had closed.  So, go ahead and forget about bringing a host(ess) gift or the traditional bottle of wine.  Instead, rummage through your cabinets for that canvass-wine-holder you bought for 99 cents at Trader Joe's, fill it with 6 bottles of miscellaneous, "Lite" beers, and meekly smile when everyone looks disparagingly at your contribution to the party.  It also helps if, when the host points you in the direction of the kitchen for a bottle opener, you laugh and pull out that key-chain-bottle-opener you always carry, exclaiming, "no need -- I brought my own!"


6. Talk to No One
Mutter to no one in particular: "how are there so many people here?!"  Next, do a quick mental calculation of how many people would be at your hypothetical holiday party, were you to invite absolutely everyone you knew, and absolutely everyone showed up. When it adds up to roughly 1/10 of the people in this room, feel self-conscious. Then immediately proceed to Step #7.


7. Eat All the Cookies
Hey, no one was eating anything anyway!  I mean, look at some of these people, they're like, H&M-model-skinny.  No, this food is meant for you, and you alone.  So, fill up on an assortment of cookies, until the reinforced paper plate literally bends under the added weight.  Don't bother with a napkin -- you want to be forced to use your shirt sleeve to wipe away the powdered sugar that is somehow all over everything, even though powdered sugar wasn't an ingredient in anything you ate.  When, at some point in the evening, someone makes a loud, passive aggressive comment about how all the cookies are gone, innocently join the rest of the guests as they survey the room looking for the 'culprit.'


8. Leave Early
After completing steps 1-7, leave the party -- ideally around 10pm, since you have a busy day of sleeping-in tomorrow.  You want to be nice and rested for your Sunday-Thai-take-out-for-dinner plans!  But, first, on your walk back to the bus stop, think about how much you enjoy this time of year.  The dressing up, the meeting new people, the seasonal treats.  Be silently confident in your ability to 'kill it' at every party you attend, and excitedly anticipate the many more invites you'll no doubt receive this time next year.

Photo Hunt Monday

I saw this, umm, really elegant and beautiful Christmas decoration at a box-store that shall remain nameless.  This photo hunt might be a little tricky, but what the heck...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key:  nothing.  there is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture whatsoever. I think an animated, inflatable, Santa-in-a-porta-potty represents everything that Christmas is supposed to be about.

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

As 2011 comes to a close, I thought it was appropriate to start putting together some New Year's resolutions for the coming year.  Now, I try not to go to crazy with resolutions, particularly outlandish, far-fetched ones like "eat more vegetables," or "exercise every once in a while."  No, I've learned my lesson with such lofty goals -- I'm done setting myself up for failure.

Instead, this year I'm taking a different approach.  This year, I'm choosing to aim for realistic, achievable goals that will boost both my confidence and self-esteem.  So, in that spirit, I present my Realistic New Year's Resolutions for 2012...

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

1. Read More Celebrity Gossip Blogs
That stack of 'periodicals' currently piling up under my coffee table isn't getting any smaller.  Because, let's just be honest -- I subscribed to The Economist mostly thinking it would help me attract a smart boyfriend on the subway.  But those days are over -- I am a young, independent woman who can choose whatever reading material she wants!  Therefore, I resolve to read more celebrity gossip, specifically from heralded beacons of journalism like Suri's Burn Book and Oh No They Didn't.

2. Cut Down on Nutrients
That "salad for lunch" thing seemed like such a good idea, until I institutionalized that "total crap for dinner" thing.  So, instead, this year I will strive for more consistency in my eating habits -- specifically, by cutting down the key nutrients in every meal.  After all, science* told me that your body really isn't built to handle all the "vitamins" you consume.  Plus, just in terms of the cost-benefit analysis, nutritional foods are so much more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts.  Ergo, eating fewer nutrients will actually save me money in the long run.  This resolution is so obvious is almost wrote itself!

3. Spend More Money at Target 
You know how the entrance to every single Target forces you to walk through several aisles of cheap, useless crap?  Like sparkly-Chinese-takeout-inspired gift boxes?  Or seasonal socks?  Well, I think I've been approaching this all wrong.  You see, I typically bypass these aisles in favor of the more popular "food" or "medicine" sections.  However, I now see the error of my ways.  Specifically, I recently discovered that these aisles often contain necessary staples, like frosted animal crackers and puffy-glitter-stickers.  So, this year I plan to make up for lost time, by resolving to buy at least five items from the cheap-crap-aisle on every visit to Target.  I think we can all agree that this can only end well.

* and, by "science" I mean the CBS sitcom "The Big Bang Theory"

Public Service Announcement

Today I went to the grocery store.  I bought bananas, lettuce, eggs, and a silent killer.  Well, at least according to the very vocal lady in line behind me...


Lady: those poinsettias in your basket -- you need to be careful, they're poison!
me: um?
Lady: don't let children or dogs near them, they might eat the leaves and die!  They're poison!
me: I don't have children or dogs, but thank you, that's extremely helpful information.
Lady: well, don't you eat them either!  Or put them next to food! They're poison!
me: [blank stare]
The End.

Recap:
Guys, I know it's the holiday season, and with it comes the temptation to feed poinsettia leaves to babies, house pets, and yourself.  But please, for the sake of the elderly lady at Safeway, don't do it.

Merry Christmas!

A Christmas Miracle!

Remember those awesome white holiday Coke cans that made it nearly impossible to distinguish between Diet and Regular?  Well, today Coca-Cola announced its decision to switch back to the more traditional, red can design.

I'm just going to go ahead and say what we're all thinking -- in all likelihood, this decision was a direct result of my blog entry.  Because I know that, among my viewership -- which now numbers well into the double-digits -- The makers of Coca-Cola, as well as the editors of the Wall Street Journal are probably some of my most frequent readers...

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Photo Hunt Friday

The new Coca-Cola winter-themed cans are here!  And just in time for the holidays!  However, I've noticed something strange about this year's designs...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key: If I accidentally buy one more can of regular Coke because the seasonal can looks exactly like the seasonal Diet Coke can, I am going to write a strongly-worded letter to those polar bears to tell them what's up.  I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who once said "In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death, taxes, and the fact that regular Coke cans are red."

Breaking News

This just in...

Christmas is cancelled.

Gift Ideas for Your Lamest Friends

Do you have friends who are really, really lame?  So lame that they won't go out on "school nights," which they still call "school nights" even though they've been out of school for a long time?  So lame that they record their favorite shows not because they're busy, but because they want to go to bed at a 'decent hour'?

Well, lucky for you, I have spent the last several years impersonating a lame person, and product testing some incredibly lame items.  You know, just so I could provide you with gift ideas for your lame friends!  Not because I really, really wanted them, or because that lady at Bed Bath & Beyond told me I could still use my 20% off coupon even though it had already expired.  The fact that the following three items are the three most recent purchases on my credit card statement is merely a testament to the level of dedication I have to my craft...

Gift Ideas for Your Lamest Friends

1. A Bath Pillow.  WHAT?!  You've never heard of bath pillows??  Well good thing I caught you in time!  How else will you comfortably slump down in the tub for hours at a time while reading The Hunger Games literature??  And, let's just hypothetically say that you wanted to bring your laptop into the bathroom, put it on the sink, and watch the ABC Family original series 'Switched at Birth' while taking a bath.  Again, just purely hypothetically -- how else will your neck remain comfortably propped up through an entire episode?

2.  A Lazy Susan.  Yes, yes, we know you had one of these in your kitchen cupboard growing up.  They were great for finding the Lucky Charms in the middle of your mom's fiber cereal crap.  But did you know that a Lazy Susan is a versatile, efficient way to solve some of your most pressing household conundrums?  Such as, how to watch The Golden Girls from bed, rather than walk clear across your entire studio apartment to the couch!  It helps to buy the 'heavy duty' one, which will easily hold the weight of that 32" box TV you bought from your friend's old roommate when he "upgraded" to a "flat screen."

3. A Soda Stream.  This amazing invention has the potential to really up the lame ante.  You see, while your friends are busy brewing their own homemade beer, you can be busy carbonating your own water!  But the fun doesn't stop there -- you can even add generic soda flavors to your newly carbonated water!  Including caffeine free Diet Cola, for Sunday through Thursday nights, and regular Diet Cola for Friday and Saturday nights.  If, however, you accidentally drink the regular Diet Cola on a school night, fear not -- you can easily counteract the caffeine's effect by taking a swig of that liquid melatonin you just bought!

'Tis the Season

Today marked a monumental day in the seasonal progression of coupons - yes, I received my first Christmas-themed "Groupon."  This one, for personalized holiday cards.

And, like any good deal, this one has tons of perks.  Such as, the ability to crop "ex-friends" out of pictures - now that's the holiday spirit!!

Merry October everyone!  Here's to three more months of holiday cheer...