Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

I'll admit that, when shopping for greeting cards, I usually breeze right past the sentimental ones, and move straight to the "humorous" section.  Because, honestly, who needs all those words?  And poems?  Like, real, serious, meaningful poems?  No, I'm looking for a 10 word maximum, along with either cartoon characters or sound clips.

It was with this means-tested methodology that I found myself browsing for a Father's Day card today.

Maybe I put more thought into the card selection process this year.  Or maybe I just had more time on my hands?  In any case, I started noticing some interesting trends.  And, with that, I give you my (very scientific) tally of this year's selection of Father's Day cards...

Father's Day Cards Available at My Local CVS

5 cards about farting

3 cards about grilling

4 cards with either Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson, or (the holy grail) -- both

6 cards referencing napping

2 cards about Dads making cereal for dinner

8 cards about golfing

4 cards about beer, including one with a 3-dimensional beer stein

3 cards with pictures of donkeys making 'ass' jokes

How to Be Professional, Part 1: Sparkles

For the first in what I imagine will be a long series of tutorials on how to be professional, I present today's tip...

How to Be Professional, Part 1: Sparkles

1) Find yourself at Lush cosmetics browsing the 'Bath Bombs' section because your friend peer pressures you into thinking that you really, really need one.  Here, like this:

          me: "eh, I don't know.  They're kind of expensive and I don't know if I'd use them."

          M: "No! I'm telling you, they're great.  Here, get this one, it's my favorite.  It's called 'Twilight.'"

2) Sold!  What more do you need to know?  Did you not read the Twilight series??!  You need this product desperately and immediately.

3) What?  You're still not sold??  I bet this official description of the Twilight Bath Bomb will convince you:

"Recreate the magic of a starry night in your bath water with clouds of lavender, ylang ylang and ovaltine to fight the        demons of insomnia and soothe your stressed out body and mind. Our most relaxing Bath Bomb yet, Twilight is our gentle, reassuring hug for the bath to transform you from worn out to warm and fuzzy. It changes colour like the sky at dusk, from pinks to purples and darker still. Lay back in the comforting herbal waters to soak your troubles far, far away."


4) Maybe you didn't hear me.  It contains something called 'ylang ylang' and they've used the fancy spelling of the word color!


5) Get home, decide you need to take a bath, and begrudgingly toss in the Bath Bomb.


6) Ok, fine.  Admit that your friend was right, and this is, truly, the best bath ever.


7) Wake up late the next morning, quickly throw on clothes, rush to work.


8) Attend a very important meeting because you're very important.  Just kidding, it's because you have to take notes.


9) Midway through the meeting, discover tiny sparkled flecks on your hands.  Ohmygod, and your arms.


10) Run to the bathroom, see yourself in the mirror for the first time today, and realize that you look like a 14-year-old girl who stopped off at work on her way to the middle school dance.


11) Maybe it's not as bad as you think?


12)     S: "I like your shirt, but are those sparkles all over your chest?  And neck?"
          me: "Yeah, it was an accident.  I hoped no one would notice."
          L: "Oh, I saw that earlier but just figured you put glitter all over yourself."

13) Spend the remainder of the work day wondering how expensive it will be to dry clean sparkles out of a suit jacket.

Photo Hunt Wednesday

I was driving around in an unfamiliar neighborhood, when I happened upon this intersection...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?*

* Answer Key:  "At the stop sign, turn onto Henderson.  Actually, you're already on Henderson, so just keep following Henderson.  Unless you're on the wrong Henderson, in which you should turn onto the other Henderson."

Rant of the Day

This morning, I saw a woman riding a bicycle with her 3-year-old child sitting on the back.  You know, the rack part?  The woman was wearing a helmet and the child was not.

Because apparently it makes sense in someone's mind to strap a helmet onto oneself, but not one's small child, and then set that small child on an unstable surface without a restraint, and then bike through busy, rush-hour traffic.

Happy Monday everyone.  Put helmets on you and your loved ones, ok?

Deal of the Day

Look, all I'm saying is that, if there's truly a "man who gave birth to you," he probably deserves something more extravagant than a Groupon deal...

Dream of the Day

So, I know that having dreams about your teeth falling out means that you don't feel in control of your life.

I'm going to assume, then, that having a dream where you show up to your high school reunion, try to catch a football (?), miss, and lose a tooth in the process means that you're completely in control of everything?

Wish Me Luck

Today I'm making the possibly-worst-but-also-maybe-best decision ever?  I'm starting a 30-day Bar Challenge.  No, not that kind of bar.

This kind. 

Having never done any form of ballet ever, and possessing the flexibility of a hip replacement candidate, I imagine this to be an interesting month.

Wish me luck.  Better yet, meet me at my apartment on June 27 with a bottle of tequila and a handful of limes.