Photo Hunt Monday

I saw this, umm, really elegant and beautiful Christmas decoration at a box-store that shall remain nameless.  This photo hunt might be a little tricky, but what the heck...

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture? *

* Answer Key:  nothing.  there is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture whatsoever. I think an animated, inflatable, Santa-in-a-porta-potty represents everything that Christmas is supposed to be about.

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

As 2011 comes to a close, I thought it was appropriate to start putting together some New Year's resolutions for the coming year.  Now, I try not to go to crazy with resolutions, particularly outlandish, far-fetched ones like "eat more vegetables," or "exercise every once in a while."  No, I've learned my lesson with such lofty goals -- I'm done setting myself up for failure.

Instead, this year I'm taking a different approach.  This year, I'm choosing to aim for realistic, achievable goals that will boost both my confidence and self-esteem.  So, in that spirit, I present my Realistic New Year's Resolutions for 2012...

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

1. Read More Celebrity Gossip Blogs
That stack of 'periodicals' currently piling up under my coffee table isn't getting any smaller.  Because, let's just be honest -- I subscribed to The Economist mostly thinking it would help me attract a smart boyfriend on the subway.  But those days are over -- I am a young, independent woman who can choose whatever reading material she wants!  Therefore, I resolve to read more celebrity gossip, specifically from heralded beacons of journalism like Suri's Burn Book and Oh No They Didn't.

2. Cut Down on Nutrients
That "salad for lunch" thing seemed like such a good idea, until I institutionalized that "total crap for dinner" thing.  So, instead, this year I will strive for more consistency in my eating habits -- specifically, by cutting down the key nutrients in every meal.  After all, science* told me that your body really isn't built to handle all the "vitamins" you consume.  Plus, just in terms of the cost-benefit analysis, nutritional foods are so much more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts.  Ergo, eating fewer nutrients will actually save me money in the long run.  This resolution is so obvious is almost wrote itself!

3. Spend More Money at Target 
You know how the entrance to every single Target forces you to walk through several aisles of cheap, useless crap?  Like sparkly-Chinese-takeout-inspired gift boxes?  Or seasonal socks?  Well, I think I've been approaching this all wrong.  You see, I typically bypass these aisles in favor of the more popular "food" or "medicine" sections.  However, I now see the error of my ways.  Specifically, I recently discovered that these aisles often contain necessary staples, like frosted animal crackers and puffy-glitter-stickers.  So, this year I plan to make up for lost time, by resolving to buy at least five items from the cheap-crap-aisle on every visit to Target.  I think we can all agree that this can only end well.

* and, by "science" I mean the CBS sitcom "The Big Bang Theory"

ToddleWood

I'd love to promise you that I'll never dress up my children to look like celebrities.  But who am I kidding.  If they fit into the costumes, they're becoming the Spice Girls...



(you can find more of this genius here: http://toddlewood.tumblr.com/ )

Stop. Stop it Right Now.

Every time I'm up, Fandango brings me right back down...

Yes, yes I know I went to see Twilight: Breaking Dawn on a Friday night -- the day it came out.  Yes, I realize the majority of the audience was comprised of squealing tween-agers.  And yes, I remember how the sheer and utter anticipation of seeing Edward and Bella's unrequited love story played out, awkwardly, on screen was the highlight of my entire month.  But please, for the love of all that is good, stop sending me reminders of that via email.

Public Service Announcement

Today I went to the grocery store.  I bought bananas, lettuce, eggs, and a silent killer.  Well, at least according to the very vocal lady in line behind me...


Lady: those poinsettias in your basket -- you need to be careful, they're poison!
me: um?
Lady: don't let children or dogs near them, they might eat the leaves and die!  They're poison!
me: I don't have children or dogs, but thank you, that's extremely helpful information.
Lady: well, don't you eat them either!  Or put them next to food! They're poison!
me: [blank stare]
The End.

Recap:
Guys, I know it's the holiday season, and with it comes the temptation to feed poinsettia leaves to babies, house pets, and yourself.  But please, for the sake of the elderly lady at Safeway, don't do it.

Merry Christmas!

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster

I spend a great deal of my waking hours thinking about all the disasters that could befall me, and then neurotically worrying about their consequences.  I think we can all agree that this is time well spent.

But what good is neurosis if you can't share it with friends?  In that spirit, I present the first in a series of guides on how to avoid potential disasters.  In this edition I have provided you with a few simple steps to avoiding one particularly scary disaster: fire by straightening-iron...

Steps to Avoiding a Disaster: Fire by Straightening Iron

Step 1: Panic
Your first, and arguably most crucial step in preventing a straightening-iron-related-disaster is to panic.  Specifically, rack your brain trying to remember whether you turned the straightener off this morning.  You must have.  Isn't today, like, the fourth time this week you've worried about this?  And all four times, you panicked for nothing -- of course you turned it off.  But what if you didn't?  What if this time was different??  Ohmygod, you didn't turn it off.  You didn't turn it off, and now a fire is about to destroy your entire apartment building.


Step 2: Alienate Those Around You

Momentarily feel a sense of hope, as you wonder aloud whether your straightening iron can turn itself off.  Because, somehow, after experiencing this exact same freak-out day after day, you've never actually looked on the device or done any amount of research to see whether it has an automatic shut-off function.  Then, furiously rebuff anyone nearby who tries to reassuringly suggest that "most devices nowadays do."  They've never even seen your straightening iron, how dare they try to blindly comfort you!!


Step 3: Forget Crucial Details
Next, develop some sort of inexplicable, short-term memory loss.  You definitely used your straightening iron this morning, that much is certain.  However, your mind is a complete blank from the time you plugged it in until the alleged "turning off" of the device.  Which is weird, because you remember, in great detail, everything else about this morning -- including those hideous outfits that Hoda and Kathie Lee were wearing on the Today Show.


Step 4: Flee
Your only real option is to immediately run outside, hail a taxi, and rush home.  No matter where you are or what you're doing.  What if your entire apartment is aflame?!  Wouldn't you feel bad about all those children and puppies rendered homeless by your blatant disregard for life and property??  Also, suddenly notice that every fire truck on the street (why are there so many?!) seems to be headed in the general direction of your apartment building.


Step 5: Breathe a (Cautious) Sigh of Relief
When you return home to find a stone-cold straightener in the closet, be cautious in your sense of relief -- you really never know when or where this potential disaster could strike again.  Afterwards, when you realize how sweaty you've become from all this rushing around, go to put your hair up into a ponytail, only to find a mass of curly, frizzy strands atop your head.  Because, you didn't straighten your hair today.

A Christmas Miracle!

Remember those awesome white holiday Coke cans that made it nearly impossible to distinguish between Diet and Regular?  Well, today Coca-Cola announced its decision to switch back to the more traditional, red can design.

I'm just going to go ahead and say what we're all thinking -- in all likelihood, this decision was a direct result of my blog entry.  Because I know that, among my viewership -- which now numbers well into the double-digits -- The makers of Coca-Cola, as well as the editors of the Wall Street Journal are probably some of my most frequent readers...

Merry Christmas Everyone!